Outrage, outrage, outrage! How can our cricket team lose so tamely to Bangali-desh? We should thoroughly investigate the debacle. We shouldn’t have lost at all, simply because we eat more meat than they do.

But some confirmed reports suggest that the Pakistan team was served only fish during the ODI series in Bangali-desh. That’s why our players looked so perplexed.

Reports also state that the night before the T20 game, Afridi and the boys were lured by certain Yemeni Houthis posing as Bengalis posing as Saudis posing as the Chinese posing as Pakistanis into going to a restaurant that only served vegetables. And prawn. Can you imagine our meat-eating boys having vegetables? And prawn?

That’s why the prayers of 18 trillion meaty Pakistanis were not heard. And that’s also why there was a mini-cyclone in Peshawar.

The restaurant that the Pakistani players visited before the ODI and T20 games, it only served fish. And prawn.

Even more disturbing are reports about the players’ discipline. Former Pakistan volleyball player turned cricket analyst, Riaz Ghani, told me that he found a dozen or so eggplants in the fridge in Afridi’s hotel room; while Wahab Riaz and Azhar Ali were seen carrying a kaddu (pumpkin) in the hotel’s lobby.

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When Ghani spotted them, they claimed that the pumpkin was actually a lamb that they were planning to eat absolutely raw. But Ghani is no fool. He knew the players were still high on prawn. Bengali prawn. And tuna fish.

Devastated by the sight, Ghani began to weep and told them that they were worse than Raymond Davis, who at least ate meat. He also contacted the team’s manager, Waqar Younis, who at the time was having a swim in the hotel’s not-so-surprisingly tuna fish-shaped swimming pool.

Some Pakistani players seen with a pumpkin in the hotel lobby. They insisted it was a lamb.

‘Sir, your team will burn in hell – except Ahmed Shahzad,’ Ghani told him. ‘Your players are having vegetables and Bengali fish. And prawn. You all have become fish-eaters like East Pakistani traitors. How can you expect the players to play like strong meaty men? How can you expect benefiting from the prayers of 18 trillion meaty Pakistanis when their cricket team is chewing pumpkins and tunas? And prawns? Where’s the beef?’

Waqar tried to cool Ghani down by telling him that these were just rumours and that the boys were sticking to their diet of total meat. He also told him that the team had been travelling with its own stock of goats, cows and chicken.

When Ghani said that he’d seen some players having prawns in their hotel rooms, Waqar calmed him down again by saying that the boys were only trying to understand the mindset of the Bengali players, that’s all.

Ghani pleaded that the future of Yemen, Saudi Arabia, Afghanistan, Palestine, Bosnia, Sudan, Somalia, Libya, Bahrain, Oman and Hawaii was riding on the shoulders of a Pakistan cricket victory in Bangali-desh.

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To this, Waqar replied that he would try his best. He then ordered some chapli kebabs for Ghani. But Ghani refused the offer, saying he couldn’t have kebabs prepared by a person from a fish-eating nation: ‘Not until Bengali-desh became East Pakistan again,’ he said.

Ajmal: Bowling prawns?

‘Don’t worry,’ Waqar replied, ‘the kebabs are from the team’s own stock of beef. It is a doosra kind of kebab, prepared by our very own Saeed Ajmal.’

‘Oh!’ Ghani exclaimed, ‘so that’s why the forces that be banned him from bowling his doosras. But look at him now. He’s bowling prawns!’

Happy and content with what Waqar had told him, Ghani went back to his room. But, of course, Pakistan lost the T20 game as well.

Former Pakistan batsman, M. Yousaf, bemoaned that the players played like fish! He added: ‘Even the Bengali-deshi batsmen who usually suffer from calcium deficiencies, showed more white teeth than the Pakistanis; whereas their fast bowlers, who seem to be always suffering from iron deficiency, bowled faster than Umar Gul and Wahab Riaz!’

Devastated and heart-broken, Ghani appeared on the TV channel that he works for and angrily asked the 18 gazillion meaty Pakistanis to go out and kill all the fish in the Arabian Sea.

Some fish that were slain by enraged fans. Some blamed local agencies while the local agencies blamed foreign agencies. Sikandar Bakht blamed Misbah.