Indian government asks cricket board to select at least two cows in cricket team

New Delhi: The government of Prime Minister Narendra Modi has asked the Indian cricket board, the BCCI, to select at least two cows in the country’s cricket team.

A government spokesperson Anu Kintan Karnik Lal Taneja (aka Bob) said that since cricket was India’s most popular sport, the quota system will first be implemented in cricket and then extended to other sports.

It is believed that since India has a Hindu majority, the selected cows will be included at the expense of Muslim players in the team.

"All (cow) selections will be made on merit," Taneja explained. "Cows play their best cricket with those who don’t eat them. Thus, it is likely they will replace Muslims in the team," he added.

The BCCI has set up a training and trial camp in Uttar Pradesh (UP) for the cows so that they could be selected to play for India in the forthcoming Champions Trophy in England.

The government has appreciated the initiative. It has advised the Muslim players to take up yoga and reflect on the number of promising fast and spin bowling cows and talented 'batscows' they might have eaten.

Meanwhile, the cricket team’s chief selector Venkatana Rasimha Rajuvaripe Dharampal Rao (aka Jim) told reporters that the selected cows are expected to perform well in England due to grassy grounds there.

Hailing Rao’s assessment, Minister of Sports Kodhanda Pattabi Sundar Sita Ram (aka Tim) said, "Yum."

Talking to media personnel at the site of the training camp, Rao explained, "Cricket was first invented by cows in ancient India millions of years ago … along with football, hockey, baseball, basketball and nuclear-powered vacuum cleaners."

Hailing Rao’s assessment, the Minister of Sports said, "Yo, mama!"

India is currently the number one-ranked Test side in the world. A statement issued by the BCCI stated that the board believes the addition of cows in the side is likely to make India the number one-ranked Test side in the whole Milky Way galaxy. The statement then cautiously added: "Pun not intended".

JI discovers ingenious way to reduce electricity bills by creating traffic jams

Karachi: One of Pakistan’s oldest political parties, the Jamat-i-Islami (JI), has discovered a unique way of reducing electricity bills in Karachi. Earlier this week, the JI demonstrated how this can be achieved by blocking some of the main roads of the city and creating massive traffic jams.

Dr Anwar Waqar Haqi, who heads the JI’s quantum physics wing, told reporters at a press conference, "My party was planning on issuing a protest statement against K-Electric (KE) and a hike in electricity rates. I told them that the JI has always been a party of brilliant intellectuals –- most of them proud graduates of the Punjab University. So we should be offering the suffering masses a scientific solution."

Dr Haqi said that he came up with the idea of blocking the city’s main roads to create massive traffic jams. He explained that the jams would keep thousands of Pakistanis in their cars and on their motorbikes for hours thus delaying their arrival at their homes. They will not be using electricity as much they do because they would be stuck in a traffic jam.

This way hours and hours of electricity would be saved, drastically reducing their electricity bills and heralding the fall of KE and the emergence of a glorious theological revolution and an eventual international Caliphate.

When a reporter ridiculed the idea, he was beaten up by a couple of intellectuals from the Punjab University. However, Dr Haqi intervened and told the besieged reporter that he should see the beating as a lively intellectual debate between believers and a skeptic. He said that this would see the downfall of skepticism and the emergence of a glorious theological revolution and an eventual international Caliphate.

Government files petition in court against hot weather, says it is causing loadshedding.

Lahore: The PML-N government’s Water & Power Ministry has filed a petition in court against hot weather. The petition claims that persistent hot weather in the Punjab has been creating long bouts of loadshedding. The petition appealed to the court to hear a case against the weather which is clearly being controlled by the enemies of Pakistan.

The government’s claim was backed by a leading scientist, Dr Athar Nasir, who teaches botany at a high school in Okara. Speaking on a TV talk show, Dr Athar said hot weather has been unleashed by scientists in India, Afghanistan, Iran, Bangladesh (and now Yemen) in an attempt to disrupt Pakistan’s otherwise excellent and abundant electricity network and supply.

He also asked the government to initiate immediate action against the malicious activities of hot weather.

On the same talk show, the Minister of Water and Power said that his ministry has already taken some solid steps to reduce loadshedding.

For example, he informed that the government has shut down dozens of websites which it believes were aiding the hot weather. He added that the government has also asked PEMRA to issue notices to TV channels who were showing plays based on steamy subjects and had hot actors and actresses in them.

"They have to understand all this is aiding hot weather which is causing loadshedding," the minister said.

When asked why there was no loadshedding in some Arab countries which were hotter than Pakistan, the minister replied: "That is because hot weather over there is not anti-state. It is not obscene. It is patriotic. It actually helps these countries in creating progress. Like helping the growth of beautiful date palm trees."

He asked patriotic Pakistanis to reject the malevolent designs of hot weather. When asked how one can do that, the minister said: "It’s simple. Eat more dates."

He added that this way, "The hot weather will run away, thus ensuring an unlimited supply of electricity and another five-year-term for PML-N in the government."

The court has accepted the petition and will begin proceedings soon.

PTI issues fresh list of people who helped rig 2013 election, list also includes name of Lord Mountbatten.

Islamabad: Pakistan Tehreek-e-Insaf (PTI) has issued a new list of people who it believes were involved in rigging the 2013 election. A senior member of the party, Naeem Khakan, shared the list at a press conference.

He informed media personnel that the new list was based on an investigative report which appeared on the website of one of America’s leading TV news shows, Saturday Night Live (SNL).

The list has 704 names on it, the most prominent being: Najam Sethi, Najam Sethi’s wife, Najam Sethi’s children, Najam Sethi’s neighbors, Najam Sethi’s cat, Barack Obama, Rahul Gandhi, Ian Botham and Bishop Tutu. The list also includes the name of the last Viceroy of India, Lord Mountbatten.

Khakan explained that according to SNL’s report and PTI’s own investigations, the plan to rig the election was first initiated by Mountbatten in April, 1947, four months before the creation of Pakistan, five years before the birth of PTI chairman Imran Khan and 66 years before the 2013 election.

"Mountbatten was a twisted visionary," Khakan said. "He had seen that in 1952 a male child will be born in Lahore who will grow up to defeat England in a cricket world cup final and then win an election and cause the downfall of brown sahibs and install a powerful Scandinavian Caucasian democratic capitalist socialist industrial Islamic welfare state in Pakistan."

Replying to a question about the evidence behind the names on the list, Khakan said, "All the evidence is out there. On YouTube, Facebook and Twitter. One just has to stay logged in."

"Take the example of South Africa’s Bishop Tutu," he said. "He was clearly involved in the rigging," Khakan added.

When asked what proof he had about Tutu’s involvement, Khakan logged on to Twitter on his iPad and showed the reporters the PTI Twitter handle’s latest hashtag: #GoTutuGo.

"What more evidence do you people want?" he asked.

Sindh government runs out of Police IGs to dismiss.

Karachi: After removing at least three dozen police IGs since 2010, the PPP-led government of Sindh has run out of IGs to dismiss. A source close to the PPP’s central leadership told Dawn.com that party chairperson Asif Ali Zardari has asked Sindh CM Murad Ali Shah to initiate crash courses for police officers so they could be jettisoned to the position of IG and then either dismissed or transferred.

The source said, "Mr Zardari is a workaholic. He needs to remove or transfer four to five police officers every week. Otherwise he gets very angry and threatens to return to Dubai and not take visiting party members to the Dubai Mall."

The source also informed that the Sindh government has requested real estate tycoon Malik Riaz to provide dismissible or transferable IGs.

This idea was floated by PPP leader Shajeel Memon because it is believed that with the severe shortage of dismissible IGs in Sindh, Mr Zardari, out of desperation, was planning to dismiss PPP co-chairperson Bilawal Bhutto and transfer him to a non-existent PPP office somewhere on the edge of the Karakoram Highway.

Disclaimer: This article is categorised as satire.