Hey Auntie G I read your column every week and now I want to share a big, big problem. I am a girl of about 19 belonging to an educated family. The problem is that I have a boyfriend and we have been in a relationship for two years. Now we are going to university for higher education and he is trying to force me to start doing purdah. I am not happy with it because he is pretending that it is a suggestion, but actually he is imposing it on me and if I don’t do as he says he will leave me. I love him a lot but I am so annoyed by my feelings, because he does not even like to talk to me in a friendly way until I accept his suggestion. Please help me
Dear In-Control, Honeybun, you need to buy your boyfriend a Barbie doll and run the other way! The doll will obey him no matter what and he can get her to cover herself from head to toe like he wants. He can also win all arguments with her and mould her into becoming his dream girl.
Your boyfriend is trying to control you and you have been resisting it like a strong independent girl. A man who tries to control what you wear today will tell you tomorrow who you can meet and who you can talk to. That may work for some women — yes there are some who enjoy being controlled and told what they can and cannot do. However, from your letter you sound stronger and more independent than that. This calls for some soul searching on your part to decide how you feel about control and act accordingly.
But a word before anyone tells you that love and control are the same thing. Never let anyone tell you that. If you start doing purdah or hijab it should be because you want to. If you get pressured into covering up or stop meeting certain people on your boyfriend’s instructions, you will only end up resenting it.
A man who wants to control his girlfriend or wife usually does so because he is weak and doesn’t feel in control of life in general. A balanced man with healthy self esteem will respect that you are a human being with choices and personal preference and will only tell you how to dress if you ask him to.
Dear Auntie (if you don't mind), I am a 45-year-old man, happily married with four kids. For the past couple of years, I have been noticing that my wife doesn’t attract me the way she used to five or six years ago as she has put on some weight and doesn’t take good care of her appearance. My wife is a reasonably attractive woman and I have no problems with her as she is taking good care of my home and kids. She also has a mature and strong personality and my parents are also happy with her. To summarise, she is an ideal wife and mother.
However, nowadays I feel that girls much younger than myself appeal to me quite strongly. I also want to clarify that I am quite a religious man and have never had any extra-marital affairs at any stage in my life. Even before marriage I resisted the temptation of having any type of relations with the opposite gender, what to talk of any physical relations with girls. I am a simple and unassuming person and have no intentions whatsoever of cheating on my wife. I feel that I am being lured by the glitz and glamour of media and the women appearing on television and the present day fashionable girls seen in abundance at marketplaces wearing provocative clothing.
What do you suggest I should do to overcome these feelings? I am very disturbed over this state of mind and confused how to overpower the desire of getting involved with young and attractive girls. Really bewildered
Dear Nephew (I don’t mind), You are having fantasies of getting involved with other women, but it is important that you realise that that doesn’t mean that your relationship with your wife has failed. No relationship is ever perfect and that’s why two people have to continuously work at their relationship to keep it a happy and healthy one.
The fact is that when people get hitched they don’t die and become oblivious to all pretty young things walking around. You need to get in touch with your desires. What is it that you are looking for when these temptresses walk by or appear on TV? If it is only a matter of admiring someone’s good looks, then just keep it to that. It is never a good idea to risk a good relationship over someone’s looks.
Next home in on the real issue: What is it that you are lacking in your relationship that is making you look outside your relationship? Do you need to cultivate a friendlier and open relationship with your wife? Start communicating with her and see where that takes you. Consider talking to your partner about how you feel.
Decide what is more important to you. It is obvious from your letter that you are already halfway on this so you don’t need convincing. You already know that a liaison with a pretty young thing will mess up what you truly cherish in life: your family. And anything you start with the PYT will be marred by the fact that it started when you cheated.
And finally, to truly nip any temptation in the bud, ask yourself how you would feel if your partner decided to cheat on you? Would you break up the family? Would you ever trust her again? This should help you decide what to do and treat temptations as they ought to be treated: as temporary and meaningless attractions.
Auntie will not reply privately to any query. Please send concise queries to auntieagni@gmail.com