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Smokers’ Corner: Make-believe look-alikes

May 15, 2011

How gullible do the Americans think we are? Do they actually think that we Pakistanis would believe the lies they are spreading about Osama Bin Laden’s tragic murder and his demeaning burial at sea?

We are just too smart to be made a fool like this. There was no Osama in that compound in Abbottabad. The Americans killed a look-alike. The real Osama died of gall-bladder failure in a bush in Sudan in 2002. What’s more, his supposed wives that were captured from the Abbottabad compound too were look-alikes, and so were the children.

But it doesn’t stop here. We Pakistanis know that the news about Osama’s death from gall-bladder ailment in Sudan in 2002 is also suspect. That guy too was a look-alike. So, yes, it can safely be said that the guy they killed in Abbottabad in 2011 was actually a look-alike of the look-alike.

So when did Osama die if not in 2002 or 2011? According to a super famous journalist and TV anchor, Tipu Sultan, who interviewed Osama in an impoverished disco in Kandahar in 1998, Osama was actually dead at the time of the interview. He said that that the guy he talked to was actually a man called Abdul Al-Bakir Al-Shaikh Al-Qaedawallah, an expert Osama look-alike who told him (off the record) that Osama actually died in 1991 of malaria in the jungles of Congo.

Nevertheless, there is every likelihood that the Congo guy was a look-alike as well. So, in other words, the guy who the Americans claimed of killing in Abbottabad was really a look-alike of a look-alike of a look-alike of a look-alike. But if we really come to the truth and reality, things stop seeming so complicated. So what is this truth and reality? Simple. There never was an Osama. He was never born. It was all an American concoction.

The character of Osama bin Laden was first conceived by America’s fifteenth President James Buchannan in 1859 when, along with the Queen of England, he decided to begin a new crusade against Muslims. According to the well-known Muslim historian, Naseem Hijazi, the British monarchy had accused a man called Osama bin Laden for financing and instigating the 1857 Indian army mutiny against the British imperialists.

The Americans and the British then claimed to have suppressed the mutiny by killing Osama in a daring raid. He was claimed to have been hiding in the hookah lounge of the last Mughal king, Bahadur Shah Zafar. Zafar denied the accusations, saying no such man was seen on his radar.

The British exiled Zafar to Burma and destroyed the radar, saying there was no such thing as a radar. By the way, the guy the British claimed was Zafar was not exiled to Burma. He was only a look-alike. The real Zafar died of dengue fever in Guatemala where he had gone to raise an army against the British and to study tropical plants. Famous thinker and horticulturalist, Noam Chomsky, confirms this.

This concocted episode was rightly expunged from the history books by Muslim historians, until America brought the invisible Osama character back to life in the 1990s. They had originally planned to use him as a bogey to invade Canada, but changed their plans when they got jealous of all the amazing and unprecedented economic, cultural and military progress taking place in Afghanistan under the Taliban and Pakistan under a bunch of handsome military men.

Thus, not surprisingly, the 9/11 episode happened. We all know who was responsible. Not a single Jew died in that attack. Neither did any animists or pagans, nor any Hindus, Christians and Sikhs. The truth is, only Muslims died in that attack. The proof? Simple. Log on to YouTube and check out brilliant, award-winning documentaries, ‘Loose Nut’ and ‘The Drivels.’ Popcorn’s on the house.

The guy the western media showed praising the 9/11 attacks on video was not Osama. He was just some Arab skiing enthusiast telling (with gestures) his Afghan friends about his latest skiing trip in the Alps. There never was an Osama. Just like there is no Mulla Omar, no Taliban, no Al-Qaeda. They’re all American concoctions.

Furthermore, America never won the war against the Soviet Union. The Soviet Union’s breakup too was a concoction. Soviet Union is still alive and thriving. We don’t hear about it is because the Jewish controlled media has blocked all news about the Soviet Union. That is because the Afghan and Arab mujahideen that fought against it, liberated Afghanistan and conquered Soviet Union and turned it into a caliphate. That’s why America’s next target will be Vladimir Putin (real name Valeed Amir Butinov). So if one day you hear that Americans have assassinated Putin, don’t believe it. The real Putin died of kidney ailment in 1045 AD.

The President and Prime Minister of Pakistan should resign for making America make fools of Pakistanis. The army is not to be blamed. The radar that did not pick up American helicopters on May 2 was not a radar. It was a look-alike of the real thing that the Americans didn’t give us. Only the mighty Imran Khan hinted at this while picking his nose on TV the other day. It was a sign: ‘Dig deep, dear patriots. You have nothing to lose but your heads.’ Well said, Imran (real name Genghis), because after all, who needs heads when the knees can perform the same function.