Off the rack: Man power

Published December 20, 2009

Gender discrimination
begins at home and has
to stop from there

The passing of the harassment law by the parliament last month, a much needed piece of legislation, was very heartening. It was promising to see that the issue had made it to the highest legislative body of the country. But in a country where the rule of law is seldom, if ever, implemented, this legislation just cannot, unfortunately, be considered an adequate and full measure. But even if it did, if we hope to build a more conducive society for the women of this country what we really need to work on is changing societal attitudes for the better.

What emerged from debates on an earlier article on harassment (Conduct unbecoming, The Review, Oct 2008) with readers and colleagues was that a drastic change needs to be made in the way we raise boys in this country; the values they are imparted and the mindset they are raised with regarding women within the household and society at large.

One needn't dwell on how severe and how ingrained the problem is in our society, because there is no denying the reported figures of honour killings, rape, sexual harassment and the unreported cases of domestic violence we all come across on a daily basis. The problem really begins when a male child, from a very early age, is made to think he is somehow of a superior gender. This attitude remains with him when he steps out of the house and feels it is his inherent right to impose his superiority on the streets too. As Dr. Dorothy Law Nolte in her famous poem wrote, 'Children learn what they live,' their behaviour is a reflection of their fathers' behaviour towards their mothers and their mothers' behaviour towards them, especially in relation to their female siblings. How often have we seen mothers' bias being openly shown for the male children with the female children, whether older or younger, made to venerate them.

Saima, 17, comes from a lower middle-class family and says, “In our house only our brother gets to have milk and eggs. When our youngest sister who is only three and unable to understand why, insists on having an egg too she is badly snubbed by our father. I have made my peace with my brother's superiority, but I find it very difficult to see my little sister being treated this way.”

“Our brother was born after us five sisters. My mother reveres him like a demigod and this attitude just goes to make us feel how useless we are. We do dearly love our brother but we despise the fact that we are expected to be at his beck and call every waking moment,” says Kiran, a college student. “My son has seen my husband being violent towards me since he was quite young. I fear that he will grow up to think it is okay for him to treat his wife in a similar way,” says Nasreen, a social worker.

While the male child is being taught that it is okay to order his sister(s) around or to impose himself on them, the female child is being made to accept this attitude. Hence when her husband is violent towards her or a male colleague harasses her she considers it fait accompli and does not raise any objections.

I remember asking a French lady what makes French men so chivalrous. She was quick to respond that it is primarily because of the way they are raised. “I remember my mother was very particular about teaching all four of my younger brothers, since they were quite young, how to behave around women,” she said, adding, “And she did so by beginning with little things like making them pull a chair out for her, holding the door for her, carrying her bags and helping her around the house. She strongly believed that it is essential for a mother to teach her sons how to treat a woman. And our father taught them this by the way he treated our mother.”

Women might hate their husbands' attitude towards them, but they don't object when their sons take the same attitude with their wives. If we are to fulfil our responsibility towards other women in the society we have to work hard at raising our boys to be better men. Take a look at what we would have liked to change in our brothers, fathers and husbands and then instil these missing links in our sons. And for once, we really can change our society with our own little efforts.

Names have been changed
to protect the privacy of the
individuals interviewed.

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