Dear Auntie,
I love a girl passionately and she also loves me. We want to get married. For this purpose, I sent my parents to her house to seek her hand in marriage from her parents.

They agreed, but demanded that a house and some agricultural land must be transferred in the name of their daughter as dower for security purposes, which is a practice that is rampant in our rural society. But my parents didn’t agree with this demand and refused. So, we both are stuck in mental agony.
What’s the way out?
Frustrated

Dear Frustrated,
So, both you and your beloved are committed to marrying each other, but the clash between your parents and her family’s demands is creating a roadblock. Usually, in such situations, there are many factors at play, but I can only give you advice based on the details you have given me here.

‘My Marriage Is Stalled Due To Dower Demands’

The concept of dower is seen as a safeguard for the bride’s future. Her family’s demand for a house and agricultural land is steep, and you have to understand that her parents want to ensure their daughter’s long-term security.

Both families might be willing to negotiate, if they see a genuine effort to come to an understanding. It could also help to involve a trusted elder to mediate between the families.

At the same time, your parents’ reluctance in this matter could be because of several factors, such as fairness (for instance, they could be thinking about other daughters-in-law), finances or societal expectations of their own.

The only sane way to move forward lies in dialogue. First off, try to understand your parents’ reservations without getting defensive. Explain to them that this is not just about meeting demands, but about starting your married life with mutual understanding between both families.

Explain to them how fulfilling the dower, in whatever form, can help strengthen the relationship with your in-laws. Explore a middle-ground solution. If giving a house and agricultural land is not feasible, could a smaller asset be acceptable? Both families might be willing to negotiate, if they see a genuine effort to come to an understanding. It could also help to involve a trusted elder to mediate between the families.

If both families are reminded that the goal is a happy union, they may be more open to working together. In the meantime, you and your beloved should remain supportive of each other.g

Disclaimer: If you or someone you know is in crisis and/or feeling suicidal, please go to your nearest emergency room and seek medical help immediately.

Auntie will not reply privately to any query. Please send concise queries to: auntieagni@gmail.com

Published in Dawn, EOS, January 26th, 2025