Dear Auntie, 
As a kid, I experienced abuse, which made me avoid men. Later, I used conservative religious ideology and radical feminism to justify this distance. I joined feminist groups online and watched injustices done by men in our society. I openly started protesting it, which made people assume that either I got rejected for proposals or had an abusive boyfriend. Later, when my parents started considering proposals, I told them — out of fear — that I don’t want to get married. But then, I received love.

Although, the boys in my class are extremely sweet, appreciative and helpful, I ghost anyone who compliments me on my beauty. There’s a teacher who has suddenly started acting weird after I told him he was my ideal. For instance, he insists I should text him, stares at me, etc. Once, after class, he came up to me and asked me what I’d like to be. I replied, “Engineer.” He said he won’t stop his engineer wife from working. Eventually, I wrote him a letter anonymously and suggested he read it. I hinted at his transgressions but noted he was a good teacher. Except for such cases now, I generally think there are many good men too. 

My new experiences have changed my opinions about men, but I’m afraid people will call me a ‘hypocrite’. Also, I’m not smart enough to judge men’s intentions. I don’t want my awkwardness to create hurdles in my future life. Any advice for me? 
A Girl.

‘I changed my mind about men but I don’t want to be accused of hypocrisy’

Dear Girl,
Can I tell you something? Those who gossip and talk about others are already talking about you. They are likely talking about your religious and feminist points of view and how radical they think you are. It has nothing to do with you and everything to do with their compulsion to discuss and criticise others. They have nothing better to do with their time. Instead of fearing their opinion of you, you should feel sorry for them.  

You cannot muzzle everyone. The best and only thing you can do is to stop your mind from thinking about other people and focus on what you want to do with your life.  

You say you are not smart enough to judge men’s intentions. Let’s get one thing straight. You cannot lump all men with one intention. Just like you can’t say all women are the same. Remember, there are men that become criminals and there are men that become saints. The only way you can learn to read people is through experience and cultivating your gut instinct. It takes time and some people are naturally better at it.

Your fear of what other people will say seems to be the only issue here. Let’s consider what has happened to you. You had a few bad experiences with men and turned against all of them. Then you met some good men and decided that not all men are bad. You changed your mind. You are human and, if celebrities and politicians can take U-turns, so can you. I would say watch and learn from public figures. They get so much flak, yet they pick themselves up and move on. Start developing that thick skin by reminding yourself that your change of stance is not a big deal. And if others make fun of you, it is because they need to grow up.  

In case anyone grills you about your change in stance, just say you had a few experiences that helped you change your mind for the better. They can go talk behind your back about your ‘radical shift’. It is not like they never changed their mind about anything.  

Hope this helps.

Disclaimer: If you or someone you know is in crisis and/or feeling suicidal, please go to your nearest emergency room and seek medical help immediately.

Auntie will not reply privately to any query. Please send concise queries to: auntieagni@gmail.com

Published in Dawn, EOS, January 15th, 2023