Dear Auntie,

I am a 57-year-old consultant from Karachi, disciplined and pragmatic. I am doing well professionally, got married 30 years ago and have three children. I have been fully involved in my children’s parenting. They studied in elite schools and attended prestigious universities abroad, mainly because of my interest in them and their studies.

The elder two hold postgrad degrees from abroad, the third one is in high school and will eventually go abroad for higher studies. My two elder kids broadly performed well in high school but were unable to finish their post-grad with good GPA scores — the reason being failure to behave maturely and a preference for pleasure over diligence. I funded their university and living expenses even though I did ask them to get suitable jobs to minimise costs. Since the last two years, both are back in Pakistan.

My wife and I have never been on the same page over parenting. She has always preferred permissive parenting, to which I objected throughout. It created cracks between me, my wife and my kids.

They are unable to understand me, my wife is baffled, and I am frustrated. My eldest son, 30, is emotionally irresponsible and imprudent about real life responsibilities. He does not socialise nor has friends. He has abandoned two jobs because of his attitude. He also lacks empathy for everyone including himself and his mother.

My best efforts to make them realise and correct things go in vain as he misleads his mother and younger siblings against me. Heavy heartedly, I am thinking about getting him married as a last resort. The middle son, 26, has now started realising his responsibility and is working continuously, but is not interested in taking on any family responsibilities. I request neutral advice from you.

Quite Frustrated

Dear Quite Frustrated

For decades, you and your wife have had opposing views about child rearing and the only people who have been okay with that are your children because they have used it to their advantage. Things would have been much easier if you had started proper child rearing while they were still young. You mention sending them to good schools and colleges when you talk about your role in raising them. I hope you realise that ‘good’ schools are full of badly raised children.

For decades, you and your wife have been enabling your children instead of helping them. When you act as a shield to prevent your children from experiencing the good and the bad consequences of their actions, you enable their bad behaviour. You essentially handicap them.

When you do things for your children which they can and should be doing themselves, you enable them. Helping is different from enabling, because helping is when you do for your children what they cannot do themselves. Can they look for jobs and support themselves? Can they live independently? Can they learn to manage money, nurture healthy relationships, cook food, and clean up after themselves? They absolutely can. I cannot think of an area where they would require your help. They should be helping you instead.

Stop funding your grown children’s lifestyle and stop rescuing them when they get into a mess. You are not being mean and insensitive but you are helping your grown children grow up. Tell your wife your plans and then stick by it, come hail or high water.

Disclaimer: If you or someone you know is in crisis and/or feeling suicidal, please go to your nearest emergency room and seek medical help immediately.

Auntie will not reply privately to any query. Please send concise queries to: auntieagni@gmail.com

Published in Dawn, EOS, May 15th, 2022