Dear Auntie,

I am a 28-year-old girl, have completed my studies and have a job. Now I want to get married and have told my mother about this. I look after my parents. The problem is that they don’t want me to get married because I am their youngest child. Sometimes I fight with my mother about this and end up feeling guilty. She has rejected many proposals. I don’t know what I should do? I am not allowed to marry for love and my parents don’t agree to my arranged marriage. Sometimes I feel so depressed and alone.

Unmarried

Dear Unmarried,

What your parents are doing is absolutely wrong. You also need to realise that you are a grown woman. Legally, you became an adult 10 years ago! Yes, in terms of age and milestones, you are absolutely ready to get married. If your parents are preventing it and not letting you marry, you are well within your right to defy them and marry of your own will. That means you can find yourself a partner and marry him and no one should bat an eye.

‘My parents don’t want me to get married’

Who told you that you are not ‘allowed’ to marry for love? At 28, if you marry of your own will, the law will be on your side. I am sure the majority of people who know you and your story will also be on your side. Fact is, if your parents are preventing your marriage as an insurance against their old age, then they are being selfish and only thinking about themselves. Your parents themselves are married. It boggles the mind to think they don’t want their own child to have the companionship that they have.

Think carefully about what you want from your marriage. If you are concerned about what will happen to your parents when you marry and leave, you could talk to a potential partner about these concerns, before getting married. I am sure many partners will not have problems with you looking after your parents after marriage or with making living arrangements that take into account your parents’ situation. There are understanding and supportive partners out there.

Yes, marriage is a risk, and you don’t know how your partner will react to your parents being so attached to you. Stepping out of the home every day is also a risk, because you could end up having a fantastic day or you could end up getting mugged. Yet the fear of getting mugged should not stop you from stepping out and risking missing out on what could turn out to be an amazing day. Similarly, the fear of marrying an incompatible partner should not stop you from getting married altogether.

In case you marry the wrong person, you can always get out of it. Thankfully the whole stigma around divorce is loosening its hold on society. It’s about time it was dropped completely. People marry the wrong people and make mistakes all the time.

Coming back to your marriage, even if you don’t want to take care of your parents after marriage and want to leave for a country thousands of miles away from home, you have the right to do that too. So please take the decision that feels right to you.

Take matters into your own hands. Have a final conversation with your parents that you are serious about getting married. That you are an adult who wants to marry and they should support you by helping you find someone suitable. If they resist, you will know that you tried and that you should now make your marriage your own responsibility.

If you don’t feel confident enough about taking the decision to marry into your own hands, talk to a family elder or an older, more experienced person that you know and trust about your predicament, and seek their support. I wish you all the best in your quest to find a loving and supportive partner.

Disclaimer: If you or someone you know is in crisis and/or feeling suicidal, please go to your nearest emergency room and seek medical help immediately.

Auntie will not reply privately to any query.

Please send concise queries to: auntieagni@gmail.com

Published in Dawn, EOS, May 8th, 2022