Dear Auntie 
While searching for a son-in-law, we came into contact with a boy. He seems very nice, and I am every bit convinced that he is a good match for my daughter. However, his family has a very different background from ours. They are from a small village, and no one except him has passed matric. A small dhaba (roadside café) is their source of income. Though he has been living out of the country for a long time now and says his family does not influence him, we are worried about these incompatibilities, especially the status of education in their family. We have yet to meet the family, as we are so undecided whether to pursue this possibility or not.  

We are an average urban family in which getting a university education is a must, and all women have a professional education and career. My parents and their parents were educated and so were my husband’s.  
What should we do?  
Worried Mom

‘My prospective son-in-law’s class difference is bothering me’

Dear Worried Mom,
What strikes me about your letter is that you haven’t mentioned how your daughter feels about this match. I hope she has seen and talked to the boy because, if they get married, they are the ones who have to live together, deal with the class difference, and make it work. It is important that you involve your daughter in what is possibly the most important decision in her life.

Secondly, no matter who your daughter marries, culture shock is a given. It is not only in a rich-poor marriage that partners end up shocked. People end up shocked even in rich-rich and poor-poor marriages, but most people usually just get used to them over time.  

In this case, where there is such a vast class difference between your family and this boy’s, it is obvious that you are having a hard time accepting it. You and your family’s feelings about the class difference will be a barrier to you being happy about this match unless you change how you feel about this boy, his family, and the classes lower than yours.

Why are you considering this boy in the first place? Are there no other options for your daughter that you are more comfortable with? 

If this boy seems like the best option, you need to get over your issues regarding his family’s social class and that they run a dhaba. Does this make you uncomfortable because of other people’s perceptions about those who run dhabas? Is it because you always wanted your daughter to marry into an educated family of professionals? Will you be worried about how your daughter’s in-laws look to others? Will how they live and look bother you? Only when you get honest with yourself, you can make a decision.

If class differences really bother you, then I would say don’t do it, because dissonance will set in soon after your daughter is married ,and you might end up kicking yourself for marrying her off into a poorer family.

Even in Pakistan, where the class divide is huge and seemingly insurmountable, some people have married across this divide and are happy with their decisions. And some people have married up or within their class and are deeply unhappy. It is all about how you and your daughter feel in this situation and whether you think your daughter can hack it. 

Disclaimer: If you or someone you know is in crisis and/or feeling suicidal, please go to your nearest emergency room and seek medical help immediately.

Auntie will not reply privately to any query. Please send concise queries to: auntieagni@gmail.com

Published in Dawn, EOS, January 23rd, 2022