Hi Dearest Auntie, 
I am a 29-year-old unmarried girl. Since my childhood, my mother has been abusive towards me. She always lies about everything and immediately changes what she is saying when someone else comes into the scene. Also, she has always sided with my sister-in-law-to-be, who is related to us. Since my childhood, she has been sneaking my things and giving them to her, without my knowledge.

Fast forward to today and my brother got married to my mum’s favourite girl. She is jealous of me in every way and my mother pleases her by giving her better things than me, such as clothes and other necessities. My mother always connects me with my father’s family and says that I have taken after them.

Also, my mother portrays a bad image of me in front of my father and brothers. She pretends to work hard at house chores and talks about how she is sacrificing for my studies by doing them alone. In reality, she always postpones house chores and does them when everyone is watching her. Whenever I go to the kitchen to do something, she compels me to leave, saying that the kitchen is too small, even though it isn’t. Her lies and her complaining annoy me. She never does this to my younger sister who does nothing but make TikTok videos, chat, call her friends, and study sometimes.

‘I have a mother from hell’

I am getting married next month to my mother’s brother’s son, a matriculate. I know nothing about his work because they live in Africa. I have agreed, as I have heard that he is a nice guy with a good character. I have also heard that all of my mother’s brothers and sisters are liars. I fear the guy I am about to get married to could also be a liar. But his mother is a nice lady who has always treated me and others with love and kindness. I am doing CSS and need to stay focused on my studies. I need a solution to keep me focused and get out of this hell where all of them, especially my mother, abuse me. 
Controlled and Abused

Dear Controlled and Abused
No one is perfect, including our parents. However, some parents’ flaws can be so destructive that they not only destroy the love and nurturing that children deserve, but also replace it with toxicity.

Escaping your current abusive situation into a marriage isn’t ideal. It is almost as if you are depending on someone else, rather than dealing with your circumstances. Unfortunately, if we don’t deal with our problems, they have a sneaky way of turning up again in our lives, till we learn to deal with them.

Ideally, you should delay your marriage till you are in a better mental state. Also, please get to know your future husband as much as possible before you marry, even if there isn’t enough time. Surely, you can talk to him and get some idea of what you are getting into.

While it is important to put a boundary between yourself and your mother, you should also just accept that your mother will probably never give you the love that you deserve. So just let the lies and abuse bounce off you from now on. Your mother is who she is, and you need to take on the responsibility of mothering yourself by loving and respecting yourself.

From now on, be mindful and aware of your behaviour. Watch yourself so that you don’t end up repeating the same cycle with others close to you. The more aware you are of this, the more you will make decisions that aren’t driven by old patterns. 

Speak and treat yourself with love and kindness and treat others the same way. Remind yourself that you are good enough, even if your mother doesn’t think so.  

Start taking care of yourself. Eat healthy, exercise and begin a prayer and meditation practice. This will help strengthen your body and your mind, making you more resilient for your life ahead.
I wish you the best of luck.

Disclaimer: If you or someone you know is in crisis and/or feeling suicidal, please go to your nearest emergency room and seek medical help immediately.
Auntie will not reply privately to any query. Please send concise queries to: auntieagni@gmail.com

Published in Dawn, EOS, December 5th, 2021