CLIFTONIA: LET THEM EAT TRUFFLES DUMPUKHT!

Published November 21, 2021
Composite illustration by Farooq Dawood
Composite illustration by Farooq Dawood

In yet another conspiratorial campaign hatched in collusion with foreign hands, seditious sinuses and traitorous tonsils, the Republic of Cliftonia’s pseudo-liberals and fake leftists have inundated media outlets with false propaganda about rising inflation and its supposedly negative impact on the life of the average citizen. 

We spoke to ordinary Cliftonians from all walks of life in order to find out if there were any truth to the constant whining and whinging of sell-out anchorpersons and outdated print journalists.

The overwhelming response from the diverse group — comprising two members of the Republic’s principled, middle class, billionaire elite — put paid to any doubts we had foolishly entertained about this false demon called inflation.

National Icon and Hope Nazir Jr., unparalleled revolutionary anti-status quo leader, unparalleled knower of the West, unparalleled knower of Uzbekistan, unparalleled knower of Annabel’s, unparalleled selector of teams, and a humble servant of destiny: “The media is playing dirty as usual. It is presenting only one side of a concocted story. Instead of educating the masses, it is misinforming, misdirecting and misguiding the people. This is why I am planning to bring in new rules and regulations to hold accountable all those questioning the truth that my government Whatsapps them every day.

The Republic of Cliftonia’s principled, middle class, billionaire elite enlighten us with revolutionary ideas to tackle what we misunderstand as inflation

“I am not saying that prices have not risen. Indeed they have, but that is true of every country and not just Cliftonia. What the people are not told is that inflation in our Republic is so infinitesimal when compared to other countries that it hardly registers on my government’s radar. And even this negligible increase can be easily overcome by smart, innovative and clever shopping. 

“For instance, if one feels that the price of petrol is putting a strain on one’s budget, then one can be smart and buy oneself a brand new Tesla, just as I did recently. This purchase has greatly cut down the amount the person bearing my household expenses spent on petrol everyday… and, as a result, the man can’t stop smiling!

“Again, treat this slight inflation as an opportunity and not as an obstacle. We all know the current status of the dollar in comparison to our own currency, right? I used the comprehensive knowledge of economics I acquired on the playing fields of Oxford Boys Secondary High School to work out that the dollar was buying much more these days than it did in the past. And so what did I do? I immediately ordered my banker to buy me dollars like there was no tomorrow! Now, if I can buy dollars, what’s stopping you?

“People are complaining about the rising costs of homes in gated communities. What cry-babies! Think smart. Act smart. Here’s what I did: I sold the flat I owned in DHA-Knightsbridge, and with those hard-earned dollars, I bought myself 35 acres of cheap but beautiful land atop a jagged hill on the west side of Mount K2.

For instance, if one feels that the price of petrol is putting a strain on one’s budget, then one can be smart and buy oneself a brand new Tesla, just as I did recently. This purchase has greatly cut down the amount the person bearing my household expenses spent on petrol everyday… and, as a result, the man can’t stop smiling!

“I’ve already issued orders to lay a pipeline along the side of the hill which will pump water all the way up to my humble abode. And even though it is totally illegal to build anything up there, I will have my quaint little Karakoram haven regularised by the time construction is finished.

“Like I said, if I can do all this as an ordinary middle class person, so can you. You just need revolutionary principles, a two-decade long struggle of incredible sacrifice, and dandruff-free hair. Join me and, together, let’s defeat inflation! Oh, and be sure to set up an offshore company before you buy your property, if you know what I mean [nudge, nudge, wink, wink!].”

Cliftonia Ali, philanthropist, media baron, editor-in-chief, anchorperson, documentary filmmaker, NGO founder, fashion designer, multimillionaire, (former) naukri pesha mazdoor, deeply loyal and incredibly patriotic dual national of Cliftonia and Canadia.

“I just don’t understand this brouhaha about inflation. The government is absolutely correct: it’s the fault of the media. And as a media baron, I totally disagree with the government. So you see, I have no idea what I am talking about. 

“Like the PM said, act smart, buy smart. When I heard that the price of tomatoes had risen more than 150 percent in two weeks, I immediately told my chef to replace tomatoes with truffles because, in comparison, the price of truffles had only gone up by a mere 55 percent. I did the same with flour… dumped it and replaced it with caviar.

“This month, the water bill was a tad bit steep even for me. So, tomorrow, I’m signing a contract with a European conglomerate to build a desalination plant on my estate in Aitchisonia-Upon-Chenab. Problem solved! So you see, I’m acting smart and I’m buying smart now. Believe me when I say that inflation is nothing but a figment of our imagination.”

Farid Alvie was born. He currently lives.
He tweets @faridalvie

Published in Dawn, EOS, November 21st, 2021

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