T is the season when Cliftonia celebrates its spirit, its essence, its raison d’etre in all its manifestations. Acknowledged by the residents of gated communities throughout the land as eclipsing the Nobel, the MacArthur, and the Magsaysay in prestige, there is no greater, no more comprehensive a celebration than the Cliftonia Stylised Awards. The awards are held every year in October when Cliftonians put aside their egos and stand together, hand in hand, on the same page.

At a glittering ceremony held last night at the CMLA Constitutional Hall in Aitchisonia-upon-Chenab, Cliftonia honoured its best and brightest and celebrated the values and principles that make it unique among the comity of nations and, thus — obviously — the envy of all the intelligence agencies in the world. Representing the national triumvirate, the annual ceremony was hosted by Special Adviser to the Prime Minister on Agriculture and Extraterrestrial Affairs Brig Babbar ‘Bobby’ Niazi (forcibly retd), Minister of State for Brunch, Haberdashery and Extra-curricular Affairs Jimmy Jirga, and Senior Ameer of Naya Talibania Mullah Do Piazza. 

With more than 15,750 patriotic showbiz celebrities gracing the red carpet before going on to pay their taxes in Canada, the event lasted well into the wee hours of the afternoon. Some of this year’s prominent winners included:

*** Winner(s) of the Cliftonia Stylised Awards 2021 Same Page category:**

Gen GHQ, Beloved Prime Minister National Icon & Hope Nazir Jr, and every single dual national citizen of the Republic of Cliftonia.

*** Winner(s) of the Cliftonia Stylised Awards 2021 Same Page, Different Book category:**

Gen GHQ, Beloved Prime Minister National Icon & Hope Nazir Jr, and every single dual national citizen of the Republic of Cliftonia.

A glimpse into the most prestigious annual Cliftonia Stylised Awards held last night to honour the best and brightest of Cliftonia

*** Winner of the Cliftonia Stylised Awards 2021 New & Improved category:**

Sheikh Valentine, Official Spokesperson of Naya Talibania.

*** Winner of the Cliftonia Stylised Awards 2021 Best Colour category:**

Khaki, for a record 574th time.

*** Winner of the Cliftonia Stylised Awards 2021 Humble Brag category:**

Beloved PM National Icon & Hope Nazir Jr, for living as a faqeer on a regularised 35-acre, multimillion dollar estate.

*** Winner of the Cliftonia Stylised Awards 2021 for Nuclear Fusion Music category:**

Dr Samarkand Bokhara, eminent Cliftonian scientist and proprietor Deezer Cliftonia.

*** Winner of the Cliftonia Stylised Awards 2021 Best Child Actor in a Leading Role That Led Nowhere category:**

ZulfeeBee, expatriate extraordinaire and Special Assistant to the Prime Minister on Bentleys and Immigration.

*** Winner of the Cliftonia Stylised Awards 2021 for Most Popular Cliftonian Dish:**

Turkey maghaz nihari (Keto version).

*** Winner of the Cliftonia Stylised Awards 2021 Highest Industrial Yield category:**

Corps Commander Compost Company (CCCC).

*** Winner of the Cliftonia Stylised Awards 2021 for Highest Number of Delusional RightWing Alumni Currently Destabilising Planet Earth:**

The University of Oxford. The award was received on behalf of the University of Oxford by its sister university, Jamia Dar-ul-Uloom Cliftonia.

*** Winner of the Cliftonia Stylised Awards 2021 for Double Standards:**

The Cliftonia Accountability Bureau (Bunny Gallah Branch).

*** Winner of the Cliftonia Stylised Awards 2021 for Best International Tourist Destination Music:**

Eiffel Tower Chowk, Cliftonia Town.

*** Winner of the Cliftonia Stylised Awards 2021 for Song That Did Not Age Well:**

Saaf Chala, Shaffaf Chala: An Ode To Self… by Jaan Keats.

*** Winner of the Cliftonia Stylised Awards 2021 for Most Popular Second Passport among Die-Hard Patriotic Cliftonians:**

The blessed passport of Canadia.

*** Winner of the Cliftonia Stylised Awards 2021 Best Season category:**

Winter of Discontent (forthcoming).

*** Winner(s) of the Cliftonia Stylised Awards 2021 Institutional Extensions category:**

Senior members of the Cliftonia Accountability Bureau, the Cliftonian Armed Forces, Association of Cliftonian Fashion Designers, Retired Cricketers Housing Authority Executive Committee, Organisation of Offspring of High Court Judges Who Have Not As Yet Benefitted From Accrued Benefits Of Their Judicial Parental Units, and the Bee-keepers of Northern Aitchisonia Association.

*** Winner(s) of the Cliftonia Stylised Awards 2021 Honesty Is The Best Policy category:**

The Cliftonia State Broadcasting Corporation, and the Anchorpersons Association of Cliftonia.

*** Winner of the Cliftonia Stylised Awards 2021 for Best Book Of The Year:**

Rebecca de Chandio for her best-selling self-help book WTF Is This Sh**?!

*** Winner(s) of the Cliftonia Stylised Awards 2021 for Best Performing Offshore Company:**

Gen GHQ, Beloved Prime Minister National Icon & Hope Nazir Jr., Lady Cliftonia Ali (Media mogul, editor, documentary film-maker, fashion designer, novelist, philanthropist, holistic healer, pandemic expert, and one of the country’s most sought-after experts on how to evade taxes by turning basic sewing skills into multimillion dollar apartments in New Jersey), and former member of the Supreme Judicials, Justice Ifti.

*** Winner of the Cliftonia Stylised Awards 2021 Altruism category:**

The Bankers Association of Greater Cliftonia.

*** Winner of the Cliftonia Stylised Awards 2021 Best Animal category:**

Elephant (in the room).

*** Winner of the Cliftonia Stylised Lifetime Achievement Award 2021:**

Beloved Prime Minister National Icon & Hope Nazir Jr.

Farid Alvie was born. He currently lives.
He tweets @faridalvie

Published in Dawn, EOS, October 24th, 2021