CLIFTONIA: BREAKING THE SHACKLES

Published August 29, 2021
Illustration by Farooq Dawood
Illustration by Farooq Dawood

Long, long ago (or was it last Tuesday?), in a land brimful of pseudo-liberals (or was it Asha on a 45?), was born a revolutionary the likes of which no planet in the Milky Way had ever seen.

Fair of skin and soft of brain, this cherubic blessing — lovingly named Nazir Jr by his father who ran the Ministry of Agriculture — would eventually go down in the history of the Republic of Cliftonia as the single, greatest personification of Cliftonian privilege, self-righteousness, hypocrisy and entitlement … bless!

Growing up in an ordinary, middle class, multimillion dollar residential estate, young Nazir Jr was fond of all things and activities that similarly ordinary, middle class children living in multimillion dollar residential estates indulged in. He would invite his friends over on ‘Selfish Saturdays’ so that they could sit and watch him eat his meals without him offering them anything to eat. This was done primarily for their benefit and to inculcate patience in them, an important trait for which, he said, they would be rewarded in the hereafter. 

He was very popular at school among both his friends. Every afternoon, without fail, all three would be driven (in their respective automobiles) to the country club where they would swim and frolic and, at times, even play croquet to while away the hours. Life was full of fun and games and, like the unenlightened Siddhartha, Nazir Jr wasn’t even aware that the other half existed, let alone how it lived.

But all this changed one torrid June afternoon when his best friend du jour, G.H. Qureshi — popularly known as GHQ in the establishment compound — broke the devastating news that he would not be able to join Nazir Jr. on their much anticipated excursion to the south of France and that he would be confined to his family’s Knightsbridge flat all summer. 

The remarkable tale of how the revolutionary Nazir Jr fulfills his life’s mission to bring unbridled entitlement to GHQ, his underprivileged friend

“My father says because of the current global economic situation, he cannot afford to pay for five annual family holidays abroad this year,” informed a heart-broken GHQ to Nazir Jr.

“He says we are not part of the elite of this country who don’t have to worry about finances and laws… says he is just an honest Grade 17 civil servant who is proud of the sacrifices his country has made for him and his family. And even though this nation owes him a lot, he feels it would be best to stay put in London as there are a few unpatriotic journalists currently on his trail,” added GHQ.

It was as if, with this one unexpected revelation, the entire world collapsed for Nazir Jr. “How can anyone not be able to afford anything? Why must one suffer and be forced to ration one’s annual holidays abroad? Who can even survive an existence like this? And if GHQ and his family are going through this, does that mean there are others just like them, equally deprived? Oh God! Could this be true? Could there be more? Oh, dear Lord, what travesty of justice is this! How can You let this happen in Your world? Where is Your movement for justice?” he cried out to the heavens. 

Deluged in waves of ‘reality’ that would drown the strongest human being, Nazir Jr emerged from his awakening with a resolve unseen in the history of humankind. He decided there and then that he would make it his life’s mission to bring unbridled entitlement to underprivileged individuals like GHQ.

“Go, my friend, tell your father to re-book your holiday to France for I shall do all in my power to regularise his accounts when the tax man cometh!” he said to a delighted GHQ. “Never hold yourself back from your entitlements! Get rid of this slavish Western inferiority complex that you have to pay for things from your own pocket! Follow me and break this shackle of slavery once and for all!” he declared.

That day the history (and psyche) of Cliftonians all around the world changed forever. From simple, average 50-acre estates in Aitchisonia-upon-Chenab to ordinary $15 million homes in Mayfair, shackles of slavery began to break at dizzying speed. Cliftonians were finally free. 

The breaking of these shackles wasn’t just restricted to matters pertaining to holiday excursions and expensive property, but extended far and wide and struck at all manner of seditious notions such as women’s rights, freedom of the press and religious freedom, among others.

“Congratulations on breaking the shackles of slavery, comrade!” said Nazir Jr to his soulmate Mullah Do Piazza, the Ameer of Talibania. “Can’t wait to take you to Annabel’s and introduce you to all my shackle-free friends! That lovely place maintains the highest (double) standards in the world, so we’ll fit right in!”

And soon thereafter, all was well with the world.

Farid Alvie was born. He currently lives.
He tweets @faridalvie

Published in Dawn, EOS, August 29th, 2021

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