Greetings Dear Auntie,
I read your advice last Sunday about the parents who were forcing their son to marry his cousin. I want to ask you, what if your parents are emotionally blackmailing you to marry your cousin.

I am a girl and my parents want me to marry my chachu’s [paternal uncle’s] son who is not compatible with me. My father has made it clear to me that he cannot say no to his brother and so I have to marry his son at any cost. I hate the idea of marrying him, but refusing your parents and taking a stand against them is considered immoral.  I have been labelled as outspoken and a bad daughter. What do you say about that? Boys can speak for themselves, but girls cannot! I am so depressed.
Outspoken and Depressed

Dear Outspoken and Depressed,
Who says refusing your parents and taking a stand is immoral? Who says that, just because you don’t want to marry your cousin, you are a bad daughter? If your parents are forcing you to do something you don’t want to do, they are wrong. Being immoral and a bad daughter are things your parents may be saying to you, to make you comply. To be honest, they are not being good parents if they are trying to force their decisions on you, their adult daughter. Like I said in last week’s column, forced marriage is a crime! Let there be no doubt about that.

‘Am I immoral for not marrying my cousin? ’

You are not wrong to not want to marry your cousin. You have the right to make that choice. But you have to stand firm on what you have decided. You can get in touch with your cousin and let him know you are not interested in marrying him. You can also get help from your siblings and other relatives who are on your side. If your parents are emotionally blackmailing you and making you feel bad about yourself, it means they know that they can affect you emotionally and use it to control you and your life choices.

If you want to be able to deal with your parents, you need to muster up the courage to do so because it won’t be easy.  First of all, know without a shadow of doubt that you are not doing anything wrong. You are right to demand a say in who you marry. It is how things are done in the modern world in 2021.  

Next, start behaving like an adult. It is very likely that your parents still think of you as a child. Show them that you are responsible and reliable. Things like coming home on time, making your bed, helping with household chores without waiting to be asked, are all signs that you have grown up. Also, initiate the conversation with your parents and make the first move when it comes to discussing this issue. Be proactive and broach the subject, like an adult, with your parents. Once they see you behaving like a grown up, being proactive and taking decisions, they will hopefully understand that you are in control of your life and able to take your own decisions.

You can also learn how to deal with emotional blackmail. When your parents say something to you that affects you emotionally, instead of having a knee-jerk reaction to what was said or done and becoming an emotional mess, take the time to breathe and analyse your emotions. I am not saying, suppress your emotions. Do feel them, but also analyse what your parents are trying to elicit out of you. Think about why you are being affected by the emotional blackmail and what that tells you about your parents’ relationship with you.

When you analyse the emotional blackmail that way, the psychological and emotional impact on you will decrease and you will be less affected by what they say. This will hopefully give you more courage to deal with the problem and be completely upfront with your parents. I promise it will get easier over time and, if you learn to do this now, it will help you in other areas of your life in the future.

Best of luck with resolving this. All power to you.

Auntie will not reply privately to any query. Please send concise queries to: auntieagni@gmail.com

Published in Dawn, EOS, July 4th, 2021