Dearest Auntie, 
I have a problem. I met a guy twice in 2006, but since then, we have never met again. I don’t know if he’s married by now or not. Most likely he is. But it’s like I can’t get over him till today.

I can’t help crying every time I think about him. There’s no way I can make contact with him because I lost his number ages ago. 

I am not on Facebook so I cannot locate him there either. I believe he was never interested in me because he never bothered making contact with me or visiting me after that. I don’t know what to do. I don’t cry over guys or at least never did cry for any guy before this. It’s like something gets triggered inside me every time I think about him. I don’t know what to do.  Please help! 
Best regards 
Miserable

Dear Miserable 
This is an addiction that is causing you needless pain and you need to work on yourself in an effort to get over him. You have spent fifteen (15!) years of your precious life obsessing about someone who is definitely not thinking about you. If he was, he would have reached out.

‘I can’t get over a guy I met in 2006’

The good thing is you realise there is a problem in your life. You have also probably realised that it is draining your energy, since you are probably thinking about unrealistic situations that could transpire between you and him. You are actually addicted to the thought of that person. Daydreaming about him makes you feel better for some time. But eventually when you ‘wake up’ you notice that it was just a daydream and the reality is quite different. You are using your crush and your fantasies as an escape from the reality of life around you.

You can and will get better. I would strongly encourage you to start making your real life interesting so you don’t need to keep escaping into your unrealistic fantasies. Start by adopting healthy habits. Read motivational books, watch a movie (which is not about love), get a job, anything that will keep you involved for the better part of the day and take your mind away from this unhealthy obsession. Have a plan for what you will be doing every day. Getting and staying diverted will require effort, but it will go a long way in weaning you off this obsession.

Remember, he is as flawed as any other man.

Also please start focusing on yourself. Work on your self-esteem by trying to develop a talent or skill that you may have. Also start saying positive things to yourself. Anytime you catch yourself running yourself down, stop and change your inner voice and what you say to yourself. You are important and you are special. Keep reminding yourself of that.  

Also remind yourself that you have an unrealistic view of this man. He is as flawed as any other man. You have just built him up in your head but, in reality, he is probably nothing like you think he is. No one is perfect. Keep reminding yourself of this.    

Also know that if that man ever finds out that you have been obsessing over him for 15 years, he will probably find it incredibly creepy. So please never be tempted to reach out to him and, instead, focus your energies on getting over him.

Finally, if you are able to and can afford it, please do consider seeking professional therapy. Hope this helps.

Auntie will not reply privately to any query. Please send concise queries to: auntieagni@gmail.com

Published in Dawn, EOS, June 20th, 2021