The leading lights of Cliftonian morality have joined hands to take on the spread of obscenity and vulgarity — unbridled fahascism! — that is taking over our glorious republic these days.

Known for their principled, ethical and spotless pasts, National Icon & Hope Nazir Jr., along with martial defender Gen GHQ, and spiritual saviour Mullah Do Piazza, have banded together to launch Pureflix — an online entertainment channel that is slated to provide high-quality programming based on true Cliftonian values. 

Speaking at the launch of the channel, Jimmy Jirga, Pureflix’s dual-national Chief Executive Officer, Chief Morality Officer, Director-in-Chief, Producer-in-Chief, Writer-in-Chief and Actor-in-Chief, said: “Time and again, world history has shown us that it is only the elite that can bring about real change. From Donald Trump to Boris Johnson to our very own glorious leader, only the elite can provide society with such outstanding exemplars of anti-status quo revolutionaries… individuals who believe in the concept of noblesse oblige with such zeal and ferocity that they don’t even have the time to pay their taxes.

“We, at Pureflix, are extremely proud today to share with you two of our premier offerings. These productions are based on genuine, home-grown Cliftonian values and will showcase to the rest of the world who we are, who we think we are and who we believe we want to be when who we think we are is not really who we actually are.”

The leading lights of morality have banded together to launch Pureflix, to provide high-quality entertainment based on true Cliftonian values

Cliftovar: The Legend Begins
Director: National Icon & Hope Nazir Jr.
Writer: National Icon & Hope Nazir Jr.
Producer: JKT Financial Services
Genre: Historical epic
Duration: Five hours and 36 minutes

The year is 1198 CE. In a bid to better the lives of millions of poors, Pedro Cliftovar, haberdasher extraordinaire, brunch organiser, die-hard Real Madrid supporter, and founding father of the Republic of Cliftonia, steps out of his magnificent hacienda one afternoon, to find his beloved country teeming with immorality and fahascism.

As the most sensitive, humble and selfless soul in the land, he is crushed when he sees the streets of his neighbourhood filled with people, mostly women-people, assembled in large groups.

What shocks his moral foundations to the very core is seeing some of the women-people wearing clothes that have no sleeves! “Dear Lord! What kind of pestilence is this? I am heart-broked!” he cries out in despair. “I, who understands the West better than the West understands sleeves, have never seen anything this fahascist even there!”

The movie follows our hero as he dons a $1,800 Dolce & Gabbana tank top and shorts combo, and goes from town to town, extolling the virtues of sleeves to the poors.

Sliced!
Director: Gen GHQ
Writer: Freddy Krueger 
Producer: Martial Studios
Genre: Horror
Duration: 74 seasons +

A tale of a hard-working immigrant who moves to a small town in America only to discover that the local pizzeria is selling pies with non-beef pepperoni toppings. Disgusted by this discovery, he vows to provide the townsfolk with halal toppings.

He works day and night to set-up a rival pizza outlet, all by his lonesome. The only help he receives is from his brother back home who is also working day and night to help his Chinese neighbour build a gated community on encroached land. Whatever he gets from his neighbour as remuneration, he remits to his brother in America, who then uses the meagre funds to buy halal beef which he pounds and pounds, with all his might, until it turns into magic pepperoni. 

Soon, this delicious topping becomes the talk of the town and his pizza business takes off beyond his accountant’s wildest dreams! Young and old, black and white, rich and poor, all flock to his pizza parlour for a slice of the good stuff.

This drives Dada Jon, the town’s old pizza vendor, insane with jealousy. “This town ain’t big enough for two fahascists!” he screams. “I will drive you and your un-kosher topping out of this town and I will franchise my business so that no one in the tri-state area will ever want anything but my fahashi-free pies!” responds our dashing immigrant hero.

None can withstand the robust moral superiority of our protagonist. Seeing his business crumble day by day and his nemesis succeed beyond his accountant’s wildest dreams, Dada Jon succumbs to envy, jealousy and his own non-halal fahascism.

“This ain’t over, nemico… the war’s just begun… I will haunt you and your accountant till the end of time! My spectre will demand a money trail from you for every slice that you sell!” he says with his last breath. “I accept your challenge, you liberal fahascist!” says our hero, as he rides off into the sunset in his shiny, black Vigo.

Farid Alvie was born. He currently lives. He tweets @faridalvie

Published in Dawn, EOS, May 9th, 2021