In an exclusive deal with MeinStruggle Press, Eos presents excerpts from the soon-to-be-released memoirs of national icon and hope Nazir Jr. entitled Cliftonia: A Personal Geography.

From Chapter One: Once Upon A Time… 

From the backside, I am a warrior. My ancestors were warring tribes who left their mountain home 300 years ago and moved to the plains of Cliftonia for better career opportunities. The colonials, who came to this region to provide us with pseudo liberal scum, divided the people of this area into two categories: martial and wuss. By the grace of God, my ancestors were placed in the martial category. That is why I still identify with mountainfolk even though I do not speak their language and have not lived there for three centuries. A person must never forget where he (or even she) comes from. 

A foolish journalist from the plains once asked me how many centuries ago did my ancestors move to the mountains and from where? Why do I not go back even further when I talk about my glorious ancestors? Could it be that before becoming warriors, they were a part of tribes slotted in the wuss category? Why do I not go all the way back to Africa when talking about my ancestors and why only start with the warrior category, despite not having lived there for hundreds of years? 

What a silly question! How can I or my warrior family be from Africa? I know there are warrior tribes in Africa, but they are very different from us. I mean have you seen how fair I am? When I lived in the West, no one ever thought I was Cliftonian, by the grace of God… they all thought I was either Italian, Spanish or Greek.

History shows that my tribe was born in the mountains on the very first day God created Earth, and was always fair and lovely and good looking, with non-Cliftonian features. That is why colonials told me I am warrior from the backside. And, as you know, colonials always do their research before speaking, unlike traitor Cliftonian journalists.

Eos presents excerpts from the soon-to-be-released memoirs of national icon and hope Nazir Jr

From Chapter 8: Love And Other Short Stories

I was at university when I met Lady Mermatrude. She was ravishing and, therefore, reminded me of myself. It was love at first sight. I became a totally different man. When she left me two weeks later, she did so because she said I had become a totally different man. 

From Chapter 15: The Greatest Environmentalist

My love for hunting goes back centuries. Since the very beginning, my ancestral tribe was naturally selected to become brave hunters, rather than sissy gatherers. According to family lore, my great-great-great grandfather Nazir Sr. (The First), who was renowned for his courageous bullying, foreign-funding accountancy methodology, team-selection abilities, and struggle of 22 years to regularise his little benami house on the prairie, was the most famous hunter-environmentalist of his generation.

Born with a killer instinct, he would go on hunts to protect his favourite endangered species by snuffing the life out of them. He called this method “moderately enlightened selection” and, therefore, became known throughout the land as ‘The Selected Environmentalist.’ 

From Chapter 29: Home On The Range 

My one true love is the humble, modest, multi-million dollar abode I dwell in. I live like any ordinary, average Cliftonian, who owns a multi-million dollar estate. This is what makes me one with the marginalised and the underprivileged. We are same to same. 

My house reflects my firm faith in the genius of the Marie Kondo method. I keep what I am sentimental about and discard those items, including people, who I find I have no use for any longer. 

I am also a great lover of art. The walls of my home are decorated with large, attractive portraits and photographs of myself. To quote one of South Asia’s most misunderstood martial artistes, General Ziaul Haq: “My beauty is in the eye of the beholder.” 

From Chapter 43: The Mahatma? C’est Moi

As a mystic, I am not interested in wealth or worldly possessions. I give two (or oftentimes even three to four) hoots about titles, status and privilege. As a completely self-made man who has achieved so much in life and one who could so easily live a life of luxury and dandruff-free hair transplants, I do not desire the trappings of power and pelf like all other beings.

That is the one main difference between me and the rest of the world. My humility does not allow me to say what a phenomenal gift of nature I am to this world and to the peoples who live in it. All I can say is: thank your lucky stars and rejoice!

Farid Alvie was born. He currently lives.
He tweets @faridalvie

Published in Dawn, EOS, April 11th, 2021