Hey Auntie,

Hope you are doing well. I am an 18-year-old girl and currently doing A-levels. All of the problems in my life are because of my habit of overthinking. I overthink everything: from people and my studies to events where I have failed or have regrets. This has made me a very difficult person and my friends and family are getting exhausted because of my habit. This habit has had severe negative effects on my personality and it is preventing me from socialising with people. I always feel judged and hated. I badly need to overcome this habit because I feel like it’s becoming a part of my life. Your advice will be highly appreciated.

Over-Thinker

Dear Over-Thinker

‘How can I quit overthinking?’

The most important step in dealing with a problem is recognising that there is a problem. You are miles ahead of many other overthinkers because you recognise that you have a problem. Indeed, overthinking is a disease of the mind.

To begin dealing with overthinking, it is important for you to realise every day that the majority of your thoughts are usually meaningless and are not helping you. Just be aware of that. Thinking repeatedly and obsessing over anything is not helping you deal with the problem. It is only sending your thoughts spinning and not accomplishing anything.

If you truly understand this, please stop and ask yourself what your obsessive thoughts are helping you achieve. You will understand that it is preventing you from accomplishing what you want to. You need to let your thoughts go.

This is easier said than done, but one way of dealing with your overthinking is to keep reminding yourself that you are not your thoughts. They are simply thoughts that you have about certain things. And sometimes they are thoughts that others have put in your head. For example, if someone says you are stupid and then someone else tells you that you are dumb, an overthinker may even start believing it. However, if you look at those beliefs objectively, they are simply other people’s opinions. Don’t let other people’s negative opinions of you contribute to your self-conception.

I would strongly encourage you to start meditating regularly. Create some time every day where you remove distractions and go within. Watch your thoughts while you meditate and soon you will be able to observe your mind and understand that your thoughts hold no power over you.

Another way to reduce the racing thoughts is to cut down on your possessions and your involvements. The less you have to do and the less you possess, the less you have to think and worry about. This is not easy if FOMO (fear of missing out) is a way of life for you, but you can take small measures to move towards a simpler life.

Declutter and get rid of possessions that you really don’t need. Delete useless information from your phone and avoid reading every piece of information that comes your way, unless you know it is important. Try putting your phone away for long periods of time. Soon you will realise that the world will not end if you do so.

Also, from now on, every time life throws a problem at you — which it inevitably does — think of a solution. Know what the problem is but avoid fixating on it and think about what you can do to solve it.

For instance, if someone loses their job, he or she will, of course, initially be shocked. However, it is not okay to continue to fixate on what happened and think about how it could have gone another way and what you did wrong. The healthy mind thinks about how to solve the problem. If you have lost a job, the way to deal with it, after the initial shock, is to get on LinkedIn, activate your network and start applying for new jobs.

Whatever happens, just keep going. Feeling judged? Introspect and think about whether you have done something wrong. If not, just know that you cannot control other people’s thoughts, and keep going. Your relationship failed? Sure it hurt and you should recognise that. But life has to go on.

Auntie will not reply privately to any query. Please send concise queries to: auntieagni@gmail.com

Published in Dawn, EOS, March 28th, 2021