Founded on the principle of one-man-one-vote; one-woman-half-a-vote; and one-powerful-uniformed-man-one-million-votes, the Republic of Cliftonia takes its hybrid democracy very seriously. Every five years, the Election Commission of Cliftonia reserves the month of March to enable those of its citizens who wish to partake in its elections to register their political parties. So far this year, a record 5,392 new political parties have been registered (and we’re only half way through the month!) which only goes to prove that, by the grace of God, real democracy is spreading like a highly contagious rash in the republic.

Despite being a foreign publication, Eos was provided with the list of the new parties by the Election Commission. We share a few prominent ones with our readers below:

Cliftonian Corps Commanders Party (CCCP)

Vision: How dare you!

Mission: How dare you!

Manifesto: To transform Cliftonia into one of the world’s leading banana republics, which produces and exports exceptional quality bananas for monkeys all over the world.

Election symbol: Fertiliser

Slogan: Only we can solve the country’s problems!

Muttahida Mullah-e-Amal (MMA)

Vision: Go to hell!

Mission: How to get there.

Manifesto: To help Cliftonians prepare for the tribulations of hell by turning their world into one right now. And to create an environment where all manner of fun comes to die.

Election symbol: Male ankle

Slogan: Only we can solve the country’s problems!

Inverse Bantustan Movement (IBM)

Vision: Keep them out!

Mission: To put a gate (with a security guard) at the entrance of the world.

Manifesto: To set-up inverse bantustans — aka gated communities — all across Cliftonia, where the haves can live a life of peace away from the prying eyes of the lazy have-nots. And, one day, to see every beautifully landscaped gated community declare independence from Cliftonia, since it already has its own electricity, mineral water, security guards and free Wi-fi-boasting coffee shops.

A record number of political parties have been registered with the Election Commission of Cliftonia in this month. Eos takes a look at their manifestoes

Election symbol: Shotgun

Slogan: Only we can solve the country’s problems!

The League of Extraordinary Bankers (LEB)

Vision: Money makes the world go round.

Mission: To become the world’s richest parasites.

Manifesto: To merge and acquire as much of the globe as possible, creating corporate efficiency, unemployment and obscene annual bonuses for oneself. To trickle down beatitude by inculcating practices such as money-laundering and tax avoidance into one’s strategic business development plans. Also, to make quinoa available 24/7 in food stores across the planet.

Election symbol: Dual passports

Slogan: Only we can solve the country’s problems!

Movement for the Civilian Restoration of (Retd) Senior Officers (MCRRSO)

Vision: If not us, then who? If not now, then when?

Mission: To spread enlightened moderation (with marmalade on toast).

Manifesto: To assume charge of the republic’s universities, sports bodies, prime-time political talk shows, cornflakes factories, housing schemes, fertiliser plants, banks, transport companies, think tanks, movie studios, 250th generation warfare academies and magically disappearing provincial populations.

Election symbol: The world

Slogan: Only we can solve the country’s problems!

JaiRa Jittay Oday Naal (JJON)

Vision: Lota-cracy is the best revenge.

Mission: To switch political parties faster than the sound of light.

Manifesto: To hybridise new political affiliations at the drop of a nod. To grow the thickest skin ever seen on a politician. To shamelessly go where no man has gone before. To delete one’s old tweets… or… meh, who cares?

Election symbol: Lota

Slogan: Only we can solve the country’s problems!

Tehreek-i-Anchorpersons Cliftonia (TAC)

Vision: Shout! Shout! Let it all out!

Mission: To know which side your butter is breaded.

Manifesto: To ensure that one does not upset the powers-that-be. To know who not to upset, especially the powers-that-be. But most importantly, to be fully aware of not upsetting the powers-that-be.

Election symbol: Blindfold

Slogan: Only we can solve the country’s problems!

Cliftonia Chambers of Commerce and Industry (CCCI)

Vision: Privatisation is the last refuge of a patriotic scoundrel.

Mission: To exploit every resource known to mankind without paying for it.

Manifesto: To ban workers unions, as such associations are a danger to humanity. To ensure that all individuals who share a common interest or goal are actively discouraged to get together… unless they are members of the country’s numerous chambers of commerce and industry, the only kosher ‘unions’ allowed in the republic.

Election symbol: Cash

Slogan: Only we can solve the country’s problems!

Pardesi Qaumi Movement (PQM)

Vision: We love our country so much that we can’t bear to live there!

Mission: To live as disconnected from ground reality as possible.

Manifesto: To spend at least 15 hours a day scouring social media for political content which is subsequently sent on WhatsApp to equally intelligent, dual-national professionals who are living abroad.

Election symbol: Planet Uranus

Slogan: Only we can solve the country’s problems!

Farid Alvie was born. He currently lives.

He tweets @faridalvie

Published in Dawn, EOS, March 14th, 2021