CLIFTONIA: THE TIMES (OF CLIFTONIA), THEY ARE A-CHANGIN’

22 Nov 2020

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Composite Illustration by Saad Arifi
Composite Illustration by Saad Arifi

Eos brings you news snippets from The Times of Cliftonia, the republic’s leading news source, renowned for its credibility and reliability.

Kidnapped Disappears Himself After Raiding Own Home

Aitchisonia-Upon-Chenab, November 22: An unidentified man raided his own home late last night while his terrorist family was asleep and kidnapped himself on suspicion of being part of a gang of seditious citizens. The self-hating traitor was later seen by an unknown neighbour to have dragged himself to a parked Toyota Vigo Mortensen wherein he disappeared himself.

Speaking to the media at a special press conference this morning, the city’s police chief said that he had personally decided to lead the investigation in this case. “This is a very important case and, for this very reason, I am handling it myself. And I am pleased to say that my first action as principal investigator is to suspend myself. I sent my suspension notice to the prime minister an hour ago. He has acknowledged receiving it but has refused to accept it. Instead, he has decided to suspend the minister handling his Ministry of Cartoons And Other Loony Toons,” he said.

“We are now awaiting word from the kidnapper as to how we should proceed. I sincerely hope that the kidnapper releases himself very soon and comes back home. His three-year-old traitorous twin sons, Lenin and Trotsky, are beside themselves with grief,” he added.

Two-man BCCC Most Efficient In Republic’s History

Aitchisonia-Upon-Chenab, November 22: The Board of Cricket Control Cliftonia (BCCC) has announced the appointment of Basharat Azeem as test team captain for the virtual tour of Australia. Azeem, who already captains the country’s One Day, T20, T10, T5, Under-19, Under 15, Under 10, X-Box — Cricket 19, Ashes Cricket 2009, and Don Bradman Cricket 14 teams, as well as holds the vice-captaincy of the Chinese cricket side, said he was delighted at the news. The board said that Azeem was the obvious choice as skipper, as he hasn’t slept in four years. 

Selected news snippets from the Republic’s leading news source, known for its integrity and trustworthiness

“I would like to thank BCCC for placing their trust in me. Leading all these teams across so many different formats has really helped me collect my thoughts for my therapy sessions. As the sides’ leading 12th man, I cannot wait to start our online tour Down Under,” said Azeem.

The board has also agreed to appoint the current BCCC chairperson as Chief Selector. The chairperson already functions as the Chief Executive Officer, Chief Financial Officer, the nine-member Selection Committee, Team Manager, Coach, Physiotherapist, and Chief Security Officer. He also serves as Coach-At-Large to the Cliftonia Cricket League (CCL) and is Special Adviser to the Prime Minister on Hockey.

“I am delighted to have delivered on my electoral promise of cleaning up BCCC and making it the most efficient it’s ever been in its entire history,” said Prime Minister, National Icon and Hope Nazir Jr., “Never has the government of any cricket-playing country synergised so well. Kudos to me!” he added.

PM Dispatches Container-load Of Containers To Trump

New Cliftonia City, November 22: The Prime Minister National Icon and Hope Nazir Jr yesterday met with Harriet Kissinger, the US Ambassador to the Republic of Cliftonia, and delivered a confidential letter for US President Donald Trump. 

At a press briefing following the meeting, the prime minister said that he and the US president were good friends and found themselves on the same page on almost all feminist issues. He stated that US election results had upset him greatly as they brought back memories of dodgy Cliftonian elections, where results were manipulated deliberately to keep him out of power by anti-state political parties and their Cliftonia-hating foreign backers.

“I have hand-delivered a very important letter to the ambassador to be sent across to President Trump at the earliest. I obviously cannot divulge the contents of the letter as it is confidential and contains state secrets. All I can share with you is what I wrote in it. As someone who has experienced the disappointment, hurt and bowel-moving chicanery of a stolen election, I have expressed my full support to the president and told him to gird up his loins and immediately announce a dharna if and when the pseudo-liberal scum try to steal his mandate from him.

“My dear compadre, now is the time to focus on your loins and gird them. I am also dispatching 1,000 containers your way as these are essential whining equipment. Inside one of the containers you will find a trained jalsa DJ. Consider him a gift from my party. He will entertain the crowd when you aren’t. And the best part is, you don’t even have to pay him after you’re done with the dharna!” said the PM, reading from the confidential letter.

Farid Alvie was born. He currently lives. He tweets @faridalvie

Published in Dawn, EOS, November 22nd, 2020