Hello Auntie, 
I would like to keep my name secret for certain reasons. However, the more important thing is my problem, not my name. I am a student of class ninth presently living in a hostel about 1,600 kms away from my home. I have been here in this school for two years and have many friends, but my roommates are the best among them. We live like brothers and don’t mind if anyone uses each other’s things such as combs, shirts, etc. 

However, a few days ago I wore a shirt of my friend and when he saw me wearing the shirt, he started insulting me in front of all my friends. I couldn’t say anything because I was guilty. But now I don’t feel easy living in the same room with him. 

I am confused about whether I should change my room or not. I am afraid because living with new friends might be harder, but at the same time, I feel stressed in his presence.  
Confused

‘My roommate is mad at me for using his stuff’

Dear Confused,
Auntie will never ever share a reader’s name so do not worry on that front.

In a way your experience at the hostel is teaching you valuable life lessons such as ‘everyone (including your immediate family members) has boundaries and you should take care not cross them.’ More than feeling guilty about what happened, I would suggest that you see this incident as a life lesson learnt. No matter how close you are as friends, always ask for permission before using someone else’s things. And the less you borrow from others, the better, because often people find it difficult to say no to a friend, but will secretly resent it. And if they secretly resent it, it’ll come out in other unpleasant ways.

Remember this: each one of us has been brought up differently. In your household it may be okay to wear your brother’s T-shirt without checking with him first. In other people’s homes, things may happen differently. Perhaps your roommate comes from a home where borrowing clothes and combs are just not done. Maybe his family considers it unhygienic to share. Perhaps he was just going along with you and letting you borrow his things because he wanted to be friends with you, before you took things a little too far according to him. There is often a lot going on inside people and sometimes they say one thing, but feel quite differently inside. For instance, think about how, whenever you ask people how they are doing, they almost always say ‘fine’, even when they are having a bad day.

Keeping this in mind, I suggest you apologise to your roommate for borrowing his shirt without asking and never borrow his (or anyone else’s) clothes again without checking first. Honestly though, just don’t borrow his clothes at all and also don’t be resentful about it. He was likely brought up in a way where borrowing things was not done. Also you should especially avoid sharing personal care items such as combs and nail-cutters. It is unhygienic.

From now on, respect your roommate’s space. Be kind and friendly towards your roommate. Smile at him. Help him keep the room clean. Do things, such as offering to get him something from the school canteen, if you are going there. Help him whenever you can without becoming a pushover but, at the same time, learn to mind your own business.

Most importantly, make a list of rules that apply to your room. That may seem too formal for two people who are friends and living in the same room. But I cannot overstate the importance of doing this. Put things such as who cleans what, who makes the bed and when to play music, etc, in your list.

Think of everything you can and make the rules as fair as possible to both of you and share it with your roommate because all rules should be decided mutually. Be open to any changes that he suggests. Once you both agree on the rules, it should make it easier for the two of you to get along. I hope this helps.

Auntie will not reply privately to any query. Please send concise queries to: auntieagni@gmail.com

Published in Dawn, EOS, Octoberr 25th, 2020