In a move guaranteed to open minds, broaden shoulders, flare nostrils and move bowels, the government of the Republic of Cliftonia recently introduced a revolutionary new policy that promises to change the face of education (and anyone who comes in contact with it) across the country.

Known as the Singularly National Curriculum (SNC), the comprehensive, well-thought-out initiative has drawn high praise from members of the SNC committee that drafted it.

Commenting on the new curriculum, Brigadier Babar ‘Bobby’ Niazi (forcibly retd), Chairperson of the SNC Committee, said, “We are very pleased with ourselves for the incredible work we have done to come up with this groundbreaking curriculum. We have already implemented its salient features in the newly published textbooks for this academic year. We are certain that our message will get across to our children and provide them with a fresh perspective on the sort of society we wish to see in the future.”

Eos was provided with copies of the new textbooks and reviews. Some of them are cited below for its readers.

The Republic of Cliftonia introduces a revolutionary new policy that promises to change the face of education

Publication: An Introduction to Financial Unaccountability (1st Edition).

Author: Professor Cliftonia Ali, BA, MSc, KMC, PECHS (Honours), University of Southern Cliftonia (USC).

Publishers: Naya Publications, Aitchisonia-upon-Chenab.

Pages: 350.

Price: $500.

Review: Never before has accounting been made this realistic. The author has done a stellar job in bringing students in touch with the real world. Terms such as debit, credit, financial ledgers, receivables, equity, assets, etc., are explained in easy-to-understand ways. Innovative accounting methods, incorporating the use of pizza slices, have been introduced to explain how money trails are going to become irrelevant in the business world of the future.

Questions from Chapter 11:

• Name the batman who starred in the 2016 film The Accountant.
• If Bertram invests $1000 in a plot of land on Monday and sells his share to Tristram for $100,000 on Tuesday, how much equity can Pelham wangle in the Roosevelt Hotel by Wednesday?
• What percentage of cheese used on a large 12-inch pizza is tax-deductible?
• Which ice cream flavour is most popular amongst CPAs in Southern Cliftonia?
• Which episode of Top Chef featured the famous Cliftonian method of cooking the books?

Publication: The New Elements of Political Science (1st Edition).

Author: Professor Gen GHQ, FA, DHA (Honoris Causa), National Government College for Boys.

Publishers: Naya Publications, Aitchisonia-upon-Chenab.

Pages: 245.

Price: $950.

Review: Evolutionary new techniques of realpolitik introduced into the realm of modern governance and critical spheres of public administration. Students will learn the theory of hybridisation and how it is essential in guaranteeing genuine democracy in a polity. Mandatory laboratory practicals have been included for the first time, providing students with a step-by-step guide on how to disappear dissent in order to ensure the republic functions smoothly and efficiently. Students will also be taught game theory; they will, for instance, be introduced to Prisoner’s Dilemma while being incarcerated at a maximum security prison. The aim of the publication is to engender a visceral, deep-seated, unshakeable hatred for politics and all things political.

Questions from Chapter 24:

• How many WhatsApp political analyst uncles does it take to change a light bulb? Have your parents turned your life into a zero-sum game?
• How many prisoners do you know and what are their dilemmas? Are you a staunch Marxist and if so who is your favorite Marx brother? How often are you on the same page as your therapist? How many corner plots did Plato own?

Publication: The Constitution: What is it Good For? Absolutely Nothing (Say It Again!)

Author: Chief Justice Ifti Che, BA, LLB, LLM, LLCoolJ, Judicial College of Aitchisonia.

Publishers: Naya Publications, Aitchisonia-upon-Chenab.

Pages: 12.

Price: $1050.

Review: Brimming with reasons why constitutions are the main obstacles in a country’s development and progress, this publication instills in students a brand new respect for disrespecting the constitution. The author brings his extensive knowledge of the law to show how a suo can be moto-ed without the need of a constitution. It also focuses on how basic human rights are a Western concept and the worst example of cultural appropriation ever inflicted upon Cliftonia by members of the republic’s pseudo-liberal scum. By the time the students get to the last chapter, they will be convinced that the only constitution a vibrant republic needs is one that rots — in abeyance, suspended and brutally amended — in a dustbin.

Questions from Chapter 325:

• How often do you take your morning constitutional?
• What is your favourite John Grisham movie?
• Have you ever been suspended?
• Have you ever been amended?
• Have you ever been held in abeyance?
• How did it feel?
• How many times did the professor make you tear up the constitution and throw it in the dustbin?

Farid Alvie was born. He currently lives.

He tweets @faridalvie

Published in Dawn, EOS, September 27th, 2020