Scene: A large, airy room lined with empty bookshelves. The French windows at the far end of the room overlook a well-manicured lawn. On the porch outside, a German shepherd naps with his snout resting on his feeding bowl. At the study table inside, a man in his mid-60s (but who could easily pass for a man in his early-60s) sits with his head resting in his hands. He appears to be humming something to himself while playing Angry Birds on his mobile phone.

Nat’l Icon & Hope Nazir Jr.: Here a lockdown, there a lockdown, everywhere a lockdown lockdown… Old Nazir Jr had a farm, e-i-e-i-o.

There is a knock at the door.

Nat’l Icon & Hope Nazir Jr.: Yes?

The door opens and Brigadier Babbar ‘Bobby’ Niazi (forcibly retd) enters the room.

Brigadier Niazi: Good afternoon. Just came in to collect the executive orders. Have you made a decision yet?

Nat’l Icon & Hope Nazir Jr.: Yaar Bobby, the thing is…

Brigadier Niazi: Yaar Bobby?

Nat’l Icon & Hope Nazir Jr.: Sorry, I mean Brigadier Bobby, the thing is…

Brigadier Niazi: Brigadier Bobby?

Nat’l Icon & Hope Nazir Jr.: Sorry, sorry, I mean Brigadier Niazi, the thing is …

Brigadier Niazi: That’s better.

Lockdown makes decision-making very difficult for Cliftonia’s PM as his every decision proves to be wrong and he is taunted by the opposition and the media

Nat’l Icon & Hope Nazir Jr.: Sir, the thing is that I cannot make up my mind about the decision. Sometimes I think yes, sometimes I think no … yes, no, yes, no, yes, no … you know what I mean?

Brigadier Niazi: No one knows what you mean.

Nat’l Icon & Hope Nazir Jr.: I feel like I’m having a mental lockdown. 

Brigadier Niazi (to himself): Now you tell me.

Nat’l Icon & Hope Nazir Jr.: Everywhere I look there are facts floating around … facts that go against everything I say. I search my WhatsApp groups for the latest information and then try to form a reliable opinion. I Zoom with gifted global leaders around the world who are tackling the current situation like I am tackling the current situation and seek their wise counsel. I collect information like I used to collect babydolls during my days at Annabel’s. But then I get confused with so much information and end up forgetting it all just like I’ve forgotten all the babydolls from Annabel’s. 

Brigadier Niazi: What are you trying to tell me? I don’t understand. Be more specific! You know we don’t have time for this!

Nat’l Icon & Hope Nazir Jr.: I know, I know… Please don’t shout at me! It makes me nervous… you’re making me feel responsible for what’s happening.

Brigadier Niazi: But you are responsible for what’s happening!

Nat’l Icon & Hope Nazir Jr.: How am I responsible for all this confusion?

Brigadier Niazi: What?

Nat’l Icon & Hope Nazir Jr.: How? I mean … responsible? I mean maybe I am but … aren’t you too?

Brigadier Niazi: You are the prime minister!

Nat’l Icon & Hope Nazir Jr.: Am I?

Brigadier Niazi: Dear God, help me! Do not make me lose my patience …

Nat’l Icon & Hope Nazir Jr.: My apologies.

Brigadier Niazi: You knew what you had to do when you were selected by the Republic to do this job. Or didn’t you? This was made clear to you at the outset. 

Nat’l Icon & Hope Nazir Jr.: Yes … wasn’t it?

Brigadier Niazi: It was, dammit! Play the role you were assigned and tell me what your decision is. The situation demands immediate action. All of us need to be on the same page. So what have you decided? You are aware of the latest stats and figures. Did you discuss them with your team? We need to make a decision ASAP!

Nat’l Icon & Hope Nazir Jr.: I know! But every time I make a decision, the facts prove me wrong. And then when I change my mind and reverse that decision, I am taunted by the opposition and the media, and that pisses my ego off so much that I change my decision and go back to my original position which was wrong to begin with and then when I’ve done that, all hell breaks loose once again and Twitter starts to screenshot my previous announcements and memes them all over social media and some enemy of the Republic WhatsApps those memes to me with the caption “V r wAtchInG U!” which makes me even more confused which, in turn, makes me so furious that I end up calling my soulmate Donald Trump and asking him for advice, and when he tells me to “Screw ‘em all!” I say “Hell yeah!” and change my decision once again, which brings me back to square one … or is it square two?

[We see Brigadier Niazi fall to his knees and begin to sob.]

Nat’l Icon & Hope Nazir Jr [rushes towards him, embraces him and asks]: What’s wrong, sir?

Brigadier Niazi: I think I’m having a mental lockdown [continues sobbing].

(Curtain).

Farid Alvie was born. He currently lives. He tweets @faridalvie

Published in Dawn, EOS, July 5th, 2020