Hi Khalajee,
I am a 24-year-old man who intends to marry his classfellow from university. Our families are very different from each other. Although women and girls in my family are well-educated and many of them work too, my family does not tolerate anyone leaving the house without a veil. I told this to the girl, but she doesn’t want to compromise on this. She says she will never wear a burqa. I don’t want constant bickering in my house in the future. What should I do?
Rock and hard place

Dear Bhanjay,
The short answer to this is that wearing the burqa or the veil is the girl’s choice. Before I get a barrage of emails going on about how religious rules are mandatory and there is no choice in religion, allow Auntie to explain. According to the majority of religious scholars, hijab has been made mandatory; however realistically speaking, much of the religion any of us is following is up to us. What is good about your situation is that the two of you are talking about important issues such as this before you tie the knot and make it permanent.

There are two ways to consider this situation. One way is to ask yourself how important it is to you that the girl wears a veil. If your wife covering herself (similar to how your family’s women do) is something that you feel strongly about at the personal level, talk to her about why you think it is necessary. If she agrees, then we don’t have a problem. However, if she doesn’t agree, then I hate to break this to you that she may not be the right girl for you, because you differ on a very fundamental matter. If you ignore this issue and go ahead with the marriage, the matter will raise its head in future and is likely to become a bone of contention. From your email it is obvious that you have broached the issue with her and she has reacted by saying she will not wear a burqa.

‘We differ on a very fundamental matter’

The second potential scenario would involve you not wanting to insist on your wife wearing a burqa or a hijab, but your family still being adamant. In this case, you have a different point of view from your family. In this situation, you have to ask yourself whether you will be able to deal with any negative reactions that might come to both of you, if she doesn’t conform to your family’s lifestyle. If you think you will be able to support your wife and defend her choices to your family, then go right ahead and marry her. However, be very honest with yourself about this. Will you really be able to commit to defending your spouse if it comes to that? It requires a lot of strength to go against what your family says and not everyone can do it in a traditional and family-oriented society like ours. If you are not strong enough to defend your wife to your family and if you don’t plan on living separately from your clan, end the relationship because it seems like it is headed for a disaster. The two of you are involved emotionally, so this may not be easy, but breaking up will save you from a bigger catastrophe that will affect several other people too.

It always amazes Auntie how many people start off relationships being attracted to Type X, when actually Type Y would be more suited to them and their lifestyle.

It always amazes Auntie how many people start off relationships being attracted to Type X, when actually Type Y would be more suited to them and their lifestyle. Once things become serious they start insisting that he or she change and become more like a Type Y. This is unfair. Why not just go for Type Y in the first place?

There are many things you must consider before getting married. Consider all options and choose wisely.

 Auntie will not reply privately to any query. Please send concise queries to: auntieagni@gmail.com

Published in Dawn, EOS, February 16th, 2020