In a landmark address to the nation from the Hôtel de Paris Monte-Carlo where he was attending an international symposium on how the other half lives, national icon and hope Nazir Jr, the prime minister, saviour and handsomeness barometer of global politics, revealed his revolutionary new economic policy guaranteed to deliver relief to the average taxpayer and provide succour to the national exchequer, the likes of which no exchequer has ever succoured before.

Addressing the large numbers of ordinary, average, middle-class Cliftonians such as himself holidaying in the south of France, the glorious leader said that he, along with his new IMF-trained team of anti-status quo experts, has decided that, henceforth, all statecraft will be sponsored by the private sector. This will reduce the burden placed on the taxpaying poor of the republic whose hard-earned tax dollars will now only be used to pay rent for the house in which he doesn’t live.

Speaking exclusively to Eos, the supreme leader explained, “Two of my closest friends, I. Heckle and I. Jeckle, insisted that I attend this symposium as it was imperative for Cliftonia to be represented at this event. In response, I said cough up the dough because I won’t spend half a million bucks on a weekend retreat brimming with entitled, tax evading, money launderers. I’ve never spent a dollar of my own on myself in decades! So out of the goodness of their patriotic hearts, they very generously decided to foot the bill and made it possible for me to be here to rub shoulders with those whose shoulders must be rubbed with.

“This idea so caught my fancy that I immediately decided to adopt this modus operandi and expand it to cover every part of my government (and the state’s) business,” he said. “Needless to say, if one has the right intentions and a clean, non-corrupt heart, everything falls into place. There is not the remotest chance of a conflict of interest occurring … ever. In fact, I have no conflict whatsoever among any of my interests. So there!” he added.

“When I return to Cliftonia, I will have Cliftonia-One — the prime minister’s plane — repainted in the colours of B**** Cola, our most patriotic cola brand, who have decided to take care of all my travel expenses going forward. They will be footing the bill for the fuel, aircraft maintenance, the crew’s salaries and everything else associated with ferrying me across in a style I’ve become accustomed to since I moved to Bunny’s Gala and joined politics. In return, all I have to do is recolour the plane in their corporate colours and scribble the tag line: ‘This prime minister is sponsored by B**** Cola.’ That’s all!” he added.

The prime minister of Cliftonia decides that henceforth all statecraft will be sponsored by the private sector

Prime Minister Nazir Jr said that following an exhaustive five-minute brainstorming session on the subject with his economic team, he has also given orders for his cabinet colleagues to implement this new structure throughout their respective ministries. 

“I have just spoken to the defence minister this morning who informs me that, as soon as the new logos are done, the XII Corps — stationed at Aitchisonia-upon-Chenab — will be sponsored by Touch Me, Babydoll! skin lightening cream and will be unofficially called the Babydolls of Aitchisonia. Each officer will have the tag line: ‘This uniformed saviour is sponsored by Touch Me, Babydoll!’ embroidered on their uniform. This sponsorship will save the taxpayers millions of dollars every month. Just imagine!” said the leader.

“There was a great deal of interest and tremendous bidding by both local and foreign parties for sponsorship of our republic’s supreme court. You will be pleased to know I’ve decided to grant sponsorship rights of our august judicial body to Insaaf Water Cooler. All esteemed judges of the highest court of our glorious land will now have the tag line: ‘This supreme judicial is sponsored by Insaaf Water Cooler’ emblazoned on their gowns. Sponsorship done subtly and effectively — a brand new trend in justice dispensation, if I might say so myself.

“I yearn for the day where every government officer, every politician, every uniformed constitutionalist, every individual sitting in every government building, every politician ensconced in parliament, every mustachioed senator, each and every member of the State Bank of Cliftonia — starting with the governor — every police officer, every income tax officer, every customs officer, every provincial governor and even our much-respected president is seen walking around with a sponsorship tagline embossed on their sovereign, independent and sacred attire,” he said, choking with emotion.

The prime minister, who is renowned throughout his house for being an expert on Western civilisation, said that this new sponsorship programme will turn his country into the biggest welfare state of its kind and is certain to place Cliftonia amongst the most honest, democratic and transparent countries of the world.

Farid Alvie was born. He currently lives. He tweets @faridalvie

Published in Dawn, EOS, February 16th, 2020