As the New Year bathes the majesty that is the Republic of Cliftonia in glory, beatitude and tax exemptions, the parliamentarians of our beloved land have once again come together like never before to usher in a new set of constitutional amendments that reflect the current mood of the populace, especially the proud patrioticals ensconced deeply within it.

Eos, which shared some of the amendments passed recently, was blessed with a copy of the latest 1,623 amendments passed by parliament on January 1, 2020. Reliable sources inform us that these new amendments are certain to set Cliftonia apart from all the riff raff that claim to be civilised states and place it in a league of its own. We share a few of the amendments below:

• 793rd Amendment: The constitution will hereby officially be known and forever be referred to as “just a piece of paper.”

• 794th Amendment: On weekends, however, the constitution will be officially known and forever be referred to as just a “booklet with 10 or 12 pages.”

The parliament of Cliftonia passes a new set of constitutional amendments that it hopes will set the Republic apart from all civilised states

• 795th Amendment: The democratically selected democrats of this here sovereign parliament proudly decree that, under this amendment, any (and all) uniformed saviours — forced by cruel circumstances and even crueller civilians to breach their sacred oaths of office and take over the reins of governance of our glorious republic — are hereby given full freedom to take the “booklet with 10 or 12 pages” and “tear them up and say that from tomorrow, we shall live under a different system.”

• 798th Amendment: The colour puce will henceforth be known as khaki.

• 802nd Amendment: Every celebrity is allowed to consider the constitution a frivolous, useless item conjured up by a corrupt system hell bent on preventing their favourite dictators from dictating as nature intended them to dictate.

• 811th Amendment: All samosas must henceforth be only quinoa-filled.

• 825th Amendment: A moderately enlightened dictator is twice as legal as an enlightenedly moderate sham democrat.

• 837th Amendment: All schools — from upper Aitchisonia down to southern Grammaria — to conduct weekly classes in “The Positive Feng Shui of Dictatorial Rule.”

• 838th Amendment: “The Positive Feng Shui of Dictatorial Rule” to be made mandatory in all colleges and universities as well.

• 853rd Amendment: All instructors engaged to teach “The Positive Feng Shui of Dictatorial Rule” must be renowned celebrity actors, fashion designers, and convicted bankers.

• 869th Amendment: The colour magenta will henceforth be known as khaki.

• 914th Amendment: Bonuses for Cliftonian bankers to be determined solely on the amount their bank has paid in fines for money laundering and corrupt practices that year.

• 987th Amendment: All martial arts to be turned into martial crafts by next Thursday.

• 992nd Amendment: It is the state’s responsibility to ensure that any doctor, banker, IT technician and marketing executive who wishes to become a political analyst on television is provided with an opportunity to fulfil his/her dream.

• 1004th Amendment: The rich shall inherit the earth.

• 1005th Amendment: The meek shall be encroached upon for not owning a 300-kanal residence.

• 1010th Amendment: Every Ciftonian government servant is allowed to be given an extension in their tenure provided the extension notice has been drafted by a competent legal adviser.

• 1025th Amendment: No individual who has ever worn a uniform — this includes, but is not limited to, all school children, airline crew, private security guards, fast food employees, traffic constables, and all front desk employees of five, four and three-star hotels — to ever be considered or, god forbid, labelled a traitor by any court of law.

• 1026th Amendment: Any court wilfully indulging in the above will be taken to task by the highest court in the land for defaming a seditious patriot.

• 1027th Amendment: If, under any inexplicable circumstances, the highest court in the land itself indulges in the above, it will be taken to task by the leading fertiliser manufacturing corporation of this blessed land for defaming a seditious patriot. The verdict tweeted by the proprietors of said fertiliser corporation will be considered final and irrevocable.

• 1035th Amendment: The colour green will henceforth be known as the new khaki.

• 1036th Amendment: All old-style print journalists will be provided with one-way tickets to the blues.

• 1037th Amendment: No ordinary Cliftonian will be forced to wear Reeboks if he/she prefers to wear Adidas to work. Footwear brand equality will be enforced under all circumstances.

• 1125th Amendment: Starting January 22, 2020, there will officially be 27 colours of the rainbow.

• 1239th Amendment: All mangoes not originating from the blessed lands of Mr and Mrs Anwar Ratol will be charged with sedition and crushed, pulped, and destroyed without so much as a by your leave.

• 1449th Amendment: Orange will henceforth be the new khaki.

• 1623rd Amendment: This amendment is an integral part of a “piece of paper that can be thrown in the dustbin.”

Farid Alvie was born. He currently lives.
He tweets @faridalvie

Published in Dawn, EOS, January 12th, 2020