ADVICE: AUNTIE AGNI

November 17, 2019

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Dear Auntie,

I am a 26-year-old girl from Lahore. I was going out with my colleague for a few months, after which we decided to get married. He is slightly younger than me. He came for a proposal with his family to my house. However, a few days later, he refused to marry me. He said, “I forced my parents, but they believe that this match is not appropriate for me. They think that there is a lot of difference between the families and they are not socially compatible. I can’t go against my parents’ wishes.” This was more than a shock for me. I couldn’t get over it. He never looked back and became a stranger. He seemed to have no regrets. I am bewildered as to how he got involved with me and then dumped me. Help!

‘My ex dumped me because of his parents’

Bewildered

Dear Bewildered,

You are not bewildered, my love. You have just woken up. Come out of the haze of what you thought was love. Indeed, you have been saved.

The man has broken up with you because his parents told him to. Can you imagine what life would be like with such a man? Hypothetically speaking, your married life could have ended up looking like this: you don’t go on a honeymoon because his parents don’t want you to; you aren’t allowed to work because his parents feel it is not appropriate; you can’t visit your parents’ home because his distant relative is getting married on that day and your parents-in-law think attending that is more important. Shudder, shudder.

As Auntie always says, actions speak louder than words and so there are several things his actions show here. One, your ex (yes, that’s what he is now) cannot take a stand and doesn’t believe and trust his own choice. Two, if you had married him, you would have come second in a lot of things in his life. Is that what you want to be in anyone’s life? Second choice? Third, he is okay with letting you go. All that means is that you were not important enough for him. Who wants to be with a partner that doesn’t think you are important?

You have to start with loving and respecting yourself. Thank your lucky stars for the disaster you have been saved from and make a concerted effort to learn from it and leave it behind you.

Also, here’s a thought. From birth till now, did your ex do everything according to his parents’ wishes? Did he let go of everything he really wanted to do because his parents told him to? If he did, then frankly, you do not need someone who is his parents’ personal robot. As things stand now, it seems imminent that the control of his life would be firmly and forever in his parents’ hands. And if you are honest with yourself, you will realise that, like other human beings, he probably went against his parents’ wishes sometimes and did what he really wanted to do. He rebelled for causes that he felt were worth it. Hence marrying you was something he really didn’t want to do. In either case, Auntie has only one thing to say to you: Bach gayee! Don’t dwell on his actions. He has shown you who he is. Believe it.

On to moving on. I understand that this is easier said than done. But you have to start with loving and respecting yourself. Thank your lucky stars for the disaster you have been saved from and make a concerted effort to learn from it and leave it behind you. Honour your feelings and have a good cry whenever you feel your emotions well up. But also, throw yourself into your new life. Do things you have always wanted to do. Make new friends, cultivate a new hobby, volunteer for a cause you feel for, get into the corners of your bedroom and thoroughly de-clutter and clean it to mark the beginning of your new life. A big hug to you and welcome to your new life!

Auntie will not reply privately to any query. Please send concise queries to: auntieagni@gmail.com

Published in Dawn, EOS, November 17th, 2019