November 03, 2019


Dear Auntie,
I am a 25-year-old married woman. Right from the start, I have not been sure about my feelings towards my husband. I’ve had abusive relationships one after the other. I was really insecure, messed up and quite promiscuous. I always went for the bad boys or the boys who didn’t want me — as the chase is what really turned me on. When I met my husband, I decided that I wanted to get my life together and that I had had enough of damaging relationships. Since the first night, my feelings towards him have slowly turned platonic. On our wedding day, I almost felt sad, but I listened to my head and not my heart.

It’s hard to explain and you may wonder why I married him. I just thought that I could do without the chemistry. I thought that the love would grow. Instead, I find myself more and more disconnected and alienated. And now I’ve gotten to the point where I can’t stand his smell, can’t stand being close to him, all his little mannerisms annoy the hell out of me and I can’t stand him touching me in bed. And he is not getting what he deserves from a wife.

I don’t have the guts to tell him how I feel and it has been weighing on my mind heavily.

‘I have married the wrong person’

Dear Miserable,
The only thing you could have done differently when you were getting married was to get yourself in a better place mentally. Apart from that, why do you think you are married to the wrong person? Is he mean and nasty to you? Does he hit you? Does he drink himself silly every night? Does he cheat on you? If those things are an issue, then please get help for your husband or get a divorce. However, if none of those is a problem and chemistry is what you are after, then beta you need to grow up and grow up really fast!  

What is a guarantee that you will meet the Ryan Gosling of your dreams next, sparks will fly… and it will last forever? Because you know what? Two years after being with Gosling, you will be telling your therapist that your husband is terrible, you cannot stand him and your life is ruined.

It’s time to get totally honest with yourself and look at your own role in this situation. Ask yourself what your unrealistic expectations are from your husband. That he would save the day like Ranvir? That he would be as talented as Benedict? That he would wake up looking like Brad? Get real with yourself and identify your unrealistic expectations from your husband, what you want him to be and what he isn’t. Then consider who on earth can be that person for you? Do you see where this is going? No one can live up to your expectations. If you leave this marriage and move on with someone else, the problems will start again, because you will not have changed.

Unless your husband is abusing you or a substance, start appreciating what you have. If he shows consideration for your feelings, be grateful for it. If he opens the door for you, say thank you and mean it. If he gives you a compliment, be appreciative of it. Marriages usually work better if you decide to be the right person for your spouse, instead of insisting that he fit into your desired mould.

You have a choice: you can be bitter and rue the day you got married or you can decide to own your decision, look for the good in your partner and make the best of the situation. No one on this planet is going to be exactly the same as you. Your spouse cannot be you. If you want the other person to be exactly like you, then you are probably better off alone.

Also, given your history, I would strongly advise you to seek professional help for your marriage and yourself.

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Published in Dawn, EOS, November 3rd, 2019