Assalam o Alaikum Auntie Agni,
I am a 22-year-old boy and studying law in Hyderabad. I have a problem, I love my classmate and it is an unrequited love affair because she was engaged three years ago. She refused to accept me because she knew that nothing was going to work out between us. I know she loves me too but she is helpless before her family.

Now the problem is that she will get married next month. It is not her wish, but she respects the decisions of her parents. I am very upset and wondering what shall I do now? I really love her.
Your nephew

Dear nephew,
I’ve said it before and I will say it again – pay attention to what people do, rather than what they say. Actions speak louder than words. Even if your classmate says she likes or loves you, she is still going with her parents’ decision.

‘I am in an unrequited love affair’

That is a clear indication that you are not part of her universe. The excuses that you are giving for her actions are mere excuses, because the world is full of examples of people who worked on their parents or defied them to be with the one they love. But she didn’t and that’s where the buck stops.

Secondly, you love her, but you have no control over how much or if she loves you at all. So the only thing you can realistically do is work on your own feelings. To begin with, please respect yourself, read the writing on the wall and start the process of moving on.

Now, all the ways that I share here to help you with moving on will only work if you are willing and want to move on from her. Stop and think about this. You have to be willing to leave this girl behind (like she has left you) and move ahead.

If you respect yourself and really want to get over this, start by honouring your feelings regarding the situation. Sit by yourself, think about the situation and let all your feelings well up. Cry if you feel like it and scream (into a pillow) to let it out. You can also write freely about how you feel. Let the words come and ‘spill’ them out on the paper. You can dispose off the paper later.  I cannot emphasise how important it is for you to do these, because they will help you feel lighter.

After the purge, you have to decide that you will make a conscious effort to move on from the situation. Avoid all contact with the girl and don’t even look at her pictures. Don’t read old communication — text messages and emails — with her and delete your chat history.

The next step is to begin working on yourself. Start making plans for your future. Think about your career and any interest or hobbies you might have. Work hard at getting your law degree and take up new hobbies that catch your interest. Start working out, if you don’t do that already. If you have been neglecting your social life in pursuit of this girl, reconnect with your friends or make new ones. Basically, give yourself and your brain things to do, so your thoughts don’t go creeping back to the girl.  

And if, at any point during your efforts to move on, your feelings for her come flooding back honour them and deal with them appropriately. Be gentle with yourself. You loved a girl and had tender feelings for her, but she didn’t love you back enough. It is sad, so know that you need a big hug and kindness for that. Give yourself that tight hug. You need it.

Auntie will not reply privately to any query. Please send concise queries to: auntieagni@gmail.com

Published in Dawn, EOS, October 27th, 2019