Composed by Saad Arifi
Composed by Saad Arifi

Dear Diary,
Woke up this morning full of pep and zest as usual, raring to guide this world towards a better tomorrow. As you know, my passion for knowledge is only bettered by my resolve to share that knowledge with one and all. Therefore, I did not waste a second more than was needed to brush my pearly whites and delve straight into my research. As my focus these days is on the history of my glorious ancestors and the lands they came from — Central Asia, Northern Afghanistan and other assorted martial geographies — I decided to dig deep into the past to unearth who I am and why I am who I think I am not.

Going back to primary sources, i.e. WhatsApp messages from Brigadier (retd) M. Anjum, I discovered that it was none other than Alexander the Great who was responsible for giving my ancestors a ride to these shores. According to Brig Anjum’s message, the eminent Macedonian historians Pericles and Testicles were the first ones to predict that the land now known as Cliftonia was destined to be inhabited by a people the likes of which history had never encountered before. The pair had also prophesised that, from deep within the sacred bowels of this very land, will emerge a leader so handsome and so pure that Seraphs will spontaneously combust with jealousy upon seeing his glorious countenance. 

History shows us, therefore, that my arrival was ordained. If only pseudo-liberals and fake news journos would actually do some research, they would know that what Cliftonia is undergoing these days is not some random chancey thing but pure, unadulterated destiny.

WhatsApp forwards are a mine of information, if only journos would use them as their primary source ...

Here, I must jot down some of the important historical facts that I discovered courtesy Brig Anjum’s detailed and comprehensive research:

Firstly, that Alexander named his horse Bucephalus after the quaint hamlet of Aitchisonia-upon-Chenab (which means Bucephalus in Jhelum-Punjabi).

That the people Alexander’s army encountered in the region were pure of blood and martial of race, and nowhere on God’s flat earth did such a fine specimen exist.

That these people lived according to an ancient hierarchical caste system determined by the gods themselves. At the very top of this pyramid was the Warrior class (primarily composed of generals); followed by the Priestly class (primarily composed of aalims online i.e. religious scholars; subsequent to that was the Industrialist class (primarily composed of politicians); followed by the Political class (primarily composed of industrialists); then came the Untouchables (primarily composed of credible, old-school journalists); with the Fake-Pseudo-Namby-Pamby-Liberal-Fascists class (primarily composed of human rights activists) at the very bottom of the scale.

And lastly but certainly not leastly, I was shocked to find out that Alexander did not look anything like Colin Farrell!

I am constantly amazed to see how real history shows us the myriad ways in which the present is intertwined with the past and how context is everything when it comes to the leaders we support. I only wish the current crop of so-called journos, who believe it is their duty to criticise me simply for the sake of criticising me, would open up their WhatsApps once in a while and read a shared message or two about the magnificent history of our republic. They believe that, just because they called out previous governments on their vendetta campaigns against the opposition, corruption, insider trading, VIP culture, misgovernance, flouting the rule of law, censorship of the media, massive loan write-offs to cronies, blatant conflicts of interest involving members of the cabinet, etc, they can do the same to my administration. Imagine!

One is astounded by the false equivalence bandied about by these so-called NGO types … Just because I say things that are ignorant, immature, bigoted and spiteful, doesn’t make me ignorant, immature, bigoted and spiteful. After all, I’m not a right-wing populist like Trump, Modi, Bolsonaro, Duterte et al, am I? But then these critics would be out of a job if they were to actually do their jobs! 

As we say in Twitterese, TIL (Today I Learnt) that the current Israeli administration is actually controlled by a secret, international, extremely powerful cabal run by anonymous Baloch, Shia, Hazara, Ahmadi, Waziristani, Sindhi, Dalit, African-American, Aboriginal, illegal Honduran refugees. This powerful coterie is determined to bring the system down from within, by pitting brother against brother and investment banker against venture capitalist. If only our imbecilic pseudos would wake up and smell the coffee and stop being so naive … Sometimes I find them a far bigger danger to our beloved motherland than that poor, misunderstood Netanyahu. He isn’t what he seems. The facts on the ground aren’t what the media shows us. In fact, nothing is what it appears. Including me.

Oh well, until the morrow,

National Icon & Hope Nazir Jr.

Farid Alvie was born. He currently lives.
He tweets @faridalvie

Published in Dawn, EOS, September 15th, 2019

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