August 11, 2019


Dear Auntie,
I am a 38-year-old man and got married this year. My problem is that I love someone else. I can never have her as she is married to my best friend and has two kids. My best friend is a very conservative man and he doesn’t like how I sometimes compliment his wife. He has said this to my face several times, but I cannot help it. My wife had a big crush on me since high school and she was my friend as well. She knew all about my love and yet she married me.

Once I had a big argument with my best friend when he was out of the country and I stayed with his wife overnight. I have spent time with her and I realised that she is fond of me, but I am never going to acknowledge it because she loves her husband as well. My best friend doesn’t trust me anymore and doesn’t invite me to his home anymore. I haven’t seen his wife for the past four months. Currently, my wife is pregnant as well and I am not ready for it. I really don’t know what I should do.
Your Nephew

Dear Nephew
The only thing you should do is look after your own wife and work on cultivating a relationship with her. Period. Apart from that, you should do nothing at all.

‘I love my best friend’s wife’

I suspect your friend is not as conservative as you think he is. I believe he can sense your feelings towards his wife and he is drawing boundaries. This is not being conservative, it is natural. He has cut you out of his life and the smart thing for you to do in this situation is to take the hint and move on.

If mere suspicion that you are harbouring feelings for his wife has compelled your best friend to stop meeting you, can you imagine what a full blown confession or even an affair could lead to? Just go through the series of events that could occur if you act on your feelings in your mind and you will know why you are not acknowledging them.

To drive home the point, the head count of the people you are threatening to drag through an upheaval, if you make a move on your best friend’s wife, is three children (two of hers and one yours), two adults (your respective spouses) and uncountable family members whose lives will end up in flux if you do what you needn’t do.

Your friend and his wife love each other and have a family together. They have chosen to build their future together and she is the mother of his children. If, as you say, you truly love her, you would care enough about her happiness to not act on your feelings.

It is never easy when feelings are involved. However, keeping your distance from her; focusing on your own growing family and staying busy with work should help you move on.

Also, for some people, the very fact that they cannot have someone makes him or her more desirable. If that is the case with you, you have probably put your friend’s wife on a gilded pedestal where she reclines, glowing with magic dust. Reality is never that sexy. What you have with your wife is your reality and if it is unglamorous and missing the magic dust, then welcome to the real world. Your friend’s married life is probably as unspectacular as yours, and both partners probably spend most of their day juggling real world chores and handling the demanding task of bringing up children.

You have great responsibilities ahead. Your future child needs your love and attention and deserves a loving home, which your wife and you can only provide if there is love between the two of you. Now is the time to look beyond how you feel about your friend’s wife and work with your own wife to provide your child with the best you have to offer, including a stable family.

In your case, the first step towards creating a stable family is to actively avoid the woman you are infatuated with. That has happened with your best friend cutting you out of his life.

The bottom-line is: she is married and so are you. Just sit in your corner and make the best of what you have.

Auntie will not reply privately to any query. Please send concise queries to:

Published in Dawn, EOS, August 11th, 2019