Hi Auntie,
I am a 23-year-old girl living a clueless life. Almost two years ago I rejected a cousin’s proposal. Firstly, I didn’t want a cousin marriage, secondly I didn’t like him for some other reasons. I believe in an understanding between partners and age gap plays a role. My parents got mad at me. They blackmailed me saying things such as ‘With three siblings you don’t have the right to say no’. I didn’t want to be a sacrificial goat at the time, so I stuck to my decision. It took them two to three months to realise that I am actually saying ‘No!’

But they didn’t give up and came up with another rishta. I wasn’t ready for marriage as I still had two semesters remaining of my BS degree. I knew if I say no this time, they will stamp me as a nafarmaan (disobedient). I agreed on the condition that my in-laws allow me to complete my degree, which they did. I asked my mother for a picture which she denied. She didn’t even tell me his full name. I couldn’t search him anywhere. It was a sort of blind marriage. Everything happened in three months.

After marriage I came to realise the guy wasn’t even physically fit, and we couldn’t build a husband and wife relationship. He was 35, not 29 as my mother had said. I was shocked that my parents lied to me. This guy had some real psychological issues and complexes, but I ignored everything and accepted it as fate. He wouldn’t even answer me if I asked him something. If I asked for his time he would refuse. He gave all his time to his parents or his sister and her kids. His mother always acted ‘oversmart’, and never left us alone, not even in the car. After a whole year, I finally told my mother that he is not able to become a father. She told me to push him to go to a doctor, which I was already doing in vain. My mother suggested I speak to his mother/sister, but they didn’t take me seriously. They all said, it’s a nazar and there is no need to see a doctor, etc. I became so frustrated that it affected my mental health.

‘I want to move on’

At this stage, my father and his only brother stepped in and talked to my father-in-law. He acted like he didn’t know anything. He promised them he would convince my husband to go to a doctor. I knew nothing would work, and had given up on my relationship. My father brought me home on the condition that he would send me back if my husband went to a psychiatrist. It’s been three months and he hasn’t been to one. I don’t want to go back to him and feel worthless. I want to get a divorce and move on. At the same time I don’t expect much from my parents. They have lost my trust. Now they are forcing me to continue my studies. I don’t want this, till I am free of this whole drama. I can’t even face people anymore as they keep asking me questions.
Helpless

Dear Helpless
It is sad that you have had to go through all this at such a young age. It seems like you walked into an extremely dysfunctional set-up when you got married. Unfortunately, in a culture where girls are often viewed as a liability, parents are often in a hurry to marry off their girls ‘at the right time’, often without asking the girl what she wants, sometimes not researching options properly. You should work on forgiving your parents. They didn’t want your life to turn into a disaster when they married you. Their intentions were noble, but they went about it the wrong way.

For now, it seems like you are headed for divorce, which may be the right option for you. Remember how you fought off marrying your cousin? It is time to revive your fighting spirit. Think about what you want to do with your life. Do you want to study further? Do you want to work? Or do you want to work and use it to finance your education so that you don’t burden your parents with another expense? You really should get out there and find a job or start a small business to earn an income. This will give your life some direction. As for people asking questions, be upfront and say you don’t want to discuss your life with them.

Auntie will not reply privately to any query. Please send concise queries to: auntieagni@gmail.com

Published in Dawn, EOS, June 30th, 2019