Dear Auntie,
I’m a 20-year-old girl. I recently got engaged and am truly happy with my new relationship. Since my engagement, my mother has started saying things such as ‘I’ve kicked you out of all my plans’ and ‘I’ve disowned you since your engagement’. She clearly says this in public and in front of our other family members. I talked to her that I feel bad when you say things like this but she doesn’t give a definite response. I feel bad and estranged. I mean I got engaged but I’m still her daughter and will always remain her daughter. I don’t know whether she says this as a joke or not but it hurts me. Am I just being over-sensitive and silly?
Confusingly Hurt

Dear Confusing Hurt
If your mother is joking, it sounds like a joke in bad taste, which is probably rooted in some of our most regressive cultural values. And since it is hurting you, it isn’t really a joke. It is hard to tell why your mother is doing this, however let’s attempt to understand the issue here. Since you have been engaged at a very young age, it could be that there is a tradition in your family to view girls as a ‘big responsibility’ (or worse, as a ‘burden’) and marry them off young so that the parents’ are done with their farz (duty). Traditionally, a lot of families in the subcontinent believe that girls are paraya dhan. This essentially means that her ‘real’ place is with her in-laws. It is a very regressive attitude, which has no place in the modern-world where women are becoming more and more empowered everyday and challenging the status quo to take things in their own hands and shaping their lives. A lot of what the genders are taught about what they can and cannot do is merely societal conditioning, and has as negative an impact on men as it does on women.

If you stay abreast of news from around the world, you are probably seeing how rapidly things are changing for women. Even a look around your own environment will show you that things have changed for women even in very traditional, closed societies like Pakistan. You have examples like Ayesha Farooq who was born in Bahawalpur and became the first Pakistani women to become a fighter pilot in the Pakistan Air Force. Then there is Samina Baig, the high altitude mountaineer who is the only Pakistani woman to have climbed Mount Everest and all Seven Summits. And SSP Suhai Aziz Talpur who everyone saw on their TV screens as she led the team that foiled a terrorist attack against the Chinese consulate in Karachi. These women are inspiring and certainly not a burden on anyone. In fact, they are changing the way Pakistani women view themselves and how society views them. You should take heart from the examples of amazing women who are around you and are an asset to the nation, the society and their families. It is indeed an interesting time to be a woman and everyone should pay attention to that.

‘Am I just being over-sensitive and silly?’

Under normal circumstances, Auntie would not advice anyone to turn a deaf ear to their parents, but in this case I would say, please don’t pay heed to what your mother is saying about your status in the family. You are and will forever remain your parents’ daughter. You say you have tried talking to your mother and it hasn’t helped. Just let it go. Your mother may or may not realise how she is hurting you. There is little you can do about this. Just understand that, while she probably has your best interest at heart, she remains a product of her own upbringing and is probably reflecting the attitudes she was brought up with. In her mind, packing you off to your in-laws is in your best interest. In the world she grew up in, this was the case. This is an outdated attitude and you need to forgive your mother because she doesn’t know any better. At the end of the day, our parents are only human and make mistakes.

I am not sure about what you are doing apart from preparing for marriage, but if you can, you might want to volunteer or work somewhere. This will help boost your self-esteem by drawing attention to how you — an intelligent, modern woman — can contribute to society or an organisation. Also, as far as you can, surround yourself with friends and family who can encourage you and make you feel good about yourself. And if possible, get to know your future spouse a little bit during this time, to have a clearer idea of what you are getting into.

Auntie will not reply privately to any query. Please send concise queries to: auntieagni@gmail.com

Published in Dawn, EOS, June 23rd, 2019