In light of his extraordinary skills and experience in the highly competitive arena of indoor board games (ages 4-10), Jimmy Jirga, Minister of State for Dual Nationalities, Real Estate Encroachments, Brunch and Other Extra-Curricular Activities, has also been appointed Loan Ranger and Fiscal Adviser to the Prime Minister. The government hopes that the challenging economic predicament that it currently finds itself in, vis-a-vis the shaky confidence of the republic’s business community, will drastically improve with this new appointment.  

In an exclusive interview with the prime minister’s new economic czar, Eos attempts to talk to him about his plans to revive the economy and the many challenges facing the country.

Eos: Congratulations on your new appointment. How has your background prepared you for this new assignment?

The new fiscal manager of Cliftonia unfolds his plans to revive the economy

Minister Jirga: Thank you for your kind wishes. With the support of journalists like yourself, I am sure I will succeed in my mission to turn Switzerland into the Cliftonia of Europe. 

You see, my background in playing board games at a very high, inter-mohalla level has given me the necessary wherewithal to deal with the macro and micro fiscal issues afflicting the republic. Monopoly taught me how to handle money — buy properties, run utilities, and collect 200 dollars when passing Go — while Risk prepared me to take risks on a massive, global scale. 

So this practical experience, coupled with my academic qualifications, has equipped and prepared me well to put the economy on the right track.

Eos: And what are your academic qualifications?

Minister Jirga: I have an O’ level in Economics.

Eos: The stock market’s performance since your government took over hasn’t been very impressive. There is nervousness and…

Minister Jirga: Nervousness is an excellent sign as it points to the market paying attention and not being asleep, because as you know, we cannot afford a market in deep slumber. We need to introduce reforms that will shake the market and send our collective stocks soaring higher than the highest high I’ve ever experienced. And let me assure you, I will leave no stone unturned to get high.

Eos: Can you explain what you mean by that?

Minister Jirga: I see the stock market as a wild jungle. And traditionally in this jungle, two animals have run riot without any competition whatsoever: the bull and the bear. Now it is in the West’s interest to keep only these two beasts running things in markets all over the world — especially in emerging markets such as Cliftonia. What I plan to do is to change this equation completely. By next week, I will be implementing new laws that will include the introduction of two more animals into our stock market — the lustful mongoose and the hyena-in-heat. I call this new approach junglee economics. This will shake things up and give a much needed boost to our economy.

Eos: But how?

Minister Jirga: It seems you’re not well-versed with your Sen.

Eos: Dr Amartya Sen?

Minister Jirga: Sushmita Sen. If you had done your homework and seen Biwi No.1, Vaastu Shastra and Dulha Mil Gaya, you would not have asked such a ridiculous question.

Eos: I don’t understand…

Minister Jirga: And that’s the problem. You people just don’t understand how the international world of finance works. I knew Sen was a big name in Bollywood but didn’t know she was also a finance guru until I carefully studied all her films.

Eos: But… but…?

Minister Jirga: Oh, do stop but-butting and let’s move on. All previous governments ignored the common man. But we said, enough! It’s high time we shine the light on the average Joe and bring some relief to his wretched life. In order to do that, our beloved prime minister ordered me to engage and involve international organisations such as the World Bank, the IMF, the IFC, etc. — all globally renowned for their work in the upliftment and economic emancipation of the poor and the deprived — and hand over the most important institutions of our economy to them to run as they see fit. My recent appointment as Loan Ranger is apropos this new relationship.

Eos: But… isn’t that…?

Minister Jirga: Why do you traitorous pseudos always start every question with a but? This is such negative thinking. We need to be positive. Have faith in your leader and in his team. Just look at me! Did you know that he chose me to be a part of his team the minute he saw my steel-blue Bentley Arnage? He is an excellent spotter of talent and a splendid selector of teams.

Eos: I don’t know what to say…

Minister Jirga: Just remember to say thank you when you bring back billions of dollars of your lifafa money through our tax-amnesty scheme!

Farid Alvie was born. He currently lives.
He tweets @faridalvie

Published in Dawn, EOS, May 26th, 2019