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ADVICE: AUNTIE AGNI

March 24, 2019

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Salaam Auntie,
Auntie, I have no one to talk to about the mess I am in and the mess I am creating. A boy fell in love with me and I broke his heart because I couldn’t love him back. It might seem heartless of me, but I just couldn’t pretend to love him. I still can’t stop feeling guilty about it, especially since, even after two years, he still yearns for me and I’m destroying him. He is a good person at heart and I don’t like to hurt him. I fell in love with someone else. He loves me too and it’s been a long serious relationship. But the chances of us being together in the future, due to family and our own independent future plans are slight. It is going to destroy both of us if it doesn’t work out. Is this karma?
Guilty

Dear Responsible,
No my love, it is not karma. You are not obliged to love everyone who loves you, especially when it comes to romantic love. You can like the other person, but you cannot force yourself to harbour an intense (and often uncontrollable) emotion like love for just anyone. Please remember now and forever: we are all responsible for our own actions. If he is yearning for you, he is choosing to use his time to yearn for you. So you are not destroying him. He is doing it to himself.

You don’t sound very old, since you are still making future plans, so you need to hear the same thing, that your crushee needs to hear, regarding your life and your choices. You are both deciding to bow to your families’ wishes and following your independent future plans. The key word here is ‘deciding’. You have taken the decision to follow the path laid out for you. You can follow it, or you can take another road.

‘I feel guilty for breaking someone’s heart’

Sure, sometimes there are risks involved with taking certain paths. And people often opt out of difficult paths because the other path is easier or holds some other benefit. However, no path is wrong or right. Our journeys on this earth are individual and they are the result of all the choices we make every single day. Hence, everything you do in this world is a choice. Take the example of a woman begging on the street. You might think she has no choice. But she does. The other path would require for her to escape the mafia and will involve risking her life. If she takes the risk, she can lose her life or she can have a different life. Another example is the partner who is a victim of an abusive marriage. He or she is choosing to stay in the marriage and be abused every day. They can leave and it may be risky financially or socially but, the fact is, there are people who face those risks and still leave.

Sure, sometimes there are risks involved with taking certain paths. And people often opt out of difficult paths because the other path is easier or holds some other benefit. However, no path is wrong or right.

This may sound harsh, but it is true. And it is the best way to start taking responsibility for your actions and becoming an adult.

Coming back to your situation, even when you think you have no choice, you always do. There is nothing in the world like you have to do something. So you can go against the grain if you want. Once you get your head around this, you will see the world with new eyes and it will change your life and your outlook. Try it.

Auntie will not reply privately to any query. Please send concise queries to: auntieagni@gmail.com

Published in Dawn, EOS, March 24th, 2019