In order to streamline the education system in the country and quell the perpetually irritating demands for recognition of regional tongues, the government has passed a new law anointing silence as the official language of the Republic of Cliftonia. This revolutionary move aims to bring the country together under one approved invisible front. Implementation of the law will commence from the first day of Spring.

In an exclusive interview, Eos spoke to Jimmy Jirga, Minister of State for Silent Linguistics and Disinformation, about this bold new law and the reasons behind its promulgation.

Thank you, Minister, for this opportunity. We have been told this will be our last exclusive interview.

Minister Jirga: You are welcome. Yes, this interview will, indeed, be your last using words. Come Spring, all interviews will be conducted in silence. Unlike all pseudo liberals, I am very excited about this law and cannot wait for its implementation.

Glorious days ahead with the new national language of shush!

Can you tell us a little about the reasons behind this law?

Minister Jirga: Certainly. As you know, our country fared abysmally in the latest IMF report on education. Out of a total of 210 exploitable emerging markets, we were ranked 209th; right below Papua Old Guinea and only a notch above Trump Towers. Needless to say, our glorious leader was livid when he saw the report. He immediately issued instructions to the ministry of education to identify the root cause and rectify the situation forthwith. Within minutes, the honourable minister of education responded with a comprehensive three-paragraph report which identified the constant tussle between English and other languages as the main reason for the decline in our educational standards.

The prime minister then took immediate action by going on a foreign trip and asking Brigadier Babar ‘Bobby’ Khan Niazi (Retd) to take over and devise a policy to halt this slide. Known for his extensive six-week experience as an educationist, Brigadier Niazi recommended adopting silence as the official medium of instruction in schools and colleges across the republic.

He based it on the martial premise that nothing comes more naturally to a child than silence, especially after it’s been ordered to shut up by its commanders. A child understands the language of silence before it can understand its own mother tongue and, unlike useless mother tongues which are restricted to their own ethnicities, silence is a universal language which is understood by babies from all walks of life.

The prime minister enthusiastically endorsed this recommendation and promptly declared silence not only as the new medium of instruction in all educational institutions but also as the official language of our glorious republic!

So then education was the primary reason behind this change?

Minister Jirga: Yes and no. Although it did trigger this revolutionary change but it wasn’t the only reason. Brig. Niazi’s report also looked at how the general populace was being confused by various regional communities asking for fair treatment of their respective languages.

This was spreading unpatriotic tendencies among the weak and the marginalised. Therefore, in order to bring the nation together, the watchmen, through their selected representatives, decided that a new, all-encompassing national language must be imposed upon the nation to keep it together. And silence was chosen as that special language.

As soon as the law comes into effect, authorities will ensure that silence is spoken in every nook and cranny of the country, from quaint little hamlets to bustling urban centres. Silence’s therapeutic qualities will also enhance peace and alleviate noise pollution. We recognise that certain industries will be affected as a result of this change but the betterment of the country calls for sacrifices.

The media will be free to die an economic death if it so desires since words, in any shape or form, will be outlawed as a means of communication.

However, as diehard proponents of a free press, the government will allow newspapers to print whatever they wish as long as they adhere to the new law and avoid the use of words, graphics and photographs.

As the minister of disinformation as well, I truly believe this law will be the harbinger of a golden era in Cliftonia. Soon all vibrant debates between the treasury and the opposition will be conducted in silence. Educational institutions, especially universities, will become thriving centres of discussion and debate once silence is enforced as the medium of instruction. Children all over the country will become fluent in silence. The opposition will be silent. The justice system will be silent. Religious and ethnic minorities will be silent. The encroached-upon homeless will be silent. Women will be silent. Poets and academics will be silent. God willing, the entire country will come together on the same page as a result of our new national language!

Farid Alvie was born. He currently lives. He tweets @faridalvie

Published in Dawn, EOS, March 3rd, 2019