‘My husband is very controlling’

Dear Auntie,

I am 36, have been married for 16 years and am a mother of two. My husband is a highly educated professional, who is, like they say, at the top of his game. Our marriage has been a disaster since the beginning; my husband has always expressed a deep resentment /hatred for my family which has only increased over the years to the point that he hardly even sees them anymore and doesn’t miss the slightest chance of degrading them in front of me. This attitude has always been a thorn in my side but I tolerated it for the sake of the kids. We moved to another city and quarrelled bitterly every time we were visiting our home town, on the issue of how much time I should be allowed for visiting my family. I gave in to his whims mostly. But now it has gotten to the point that he can’t stand me socialising with anyone. He taunts me, calls me names and even slanders my character whenever I make any plans with friends (women only). He finds fault with me being a mother, the way I dress, my house-keeping skills and makes me feel useless when he’s home. He is not even bothered by the presence of our pre-teen kids when he maligns my character.

I wrote to you 10 years ago and asked you ‘what’s better for the kids, constantly bickering parents or separated ones?’

Do I dare to ask this question again? What if I say I’m slowly losing my sanity even though I consider myself a strong woman? And the most clichéd question of all: ‘What will people say?’

Broken

You say have sought consolation from different places, however this is not a solution. If you are just looking for sympathy and not willing to listen to and act on someone’s advice, then you are not taking responsibility for your life. Sometimes people get used to, and even enjoy, discussing their problems without doing anything about it. If you really want to change your life, you will need to take action on any sound advice that you receive.

Being in a relationship with a controlling partner who limits your activities and criticises you can be very testing. You have stayed with your spouse for a very long time and whether you decide to end the relationship and become independent is really your call. It won’t be easy, especially when you have children and divorce will bring with it another set of challenges. Only you can decide if you have had enough and want to walk out.

In the meantime, you might want to work on making things better with your husband and also on regaining some of your independence. First off, every time your husband displays controlling behaviour, try to avoid knee-jerk reactions and stay as calm as possible.

Also try to see where his insecurity is coming from. This will help you from becoming angry every time he acts controlling, to overlook small things and learn which battles to pick. However, don’t do this when there is major disrespect.

Often a person who is controlling does not realise where to draw the line. Draw his attention to his controlling behaviour without attacking his character. Once the conversation about his controlling behaviour starts, make it clear about what you are willing to tolerate and what you will not put up with. Both of you can decide together how you can avoid these problems in the future. Make it clear that unacceptable actions will lead to serious consequences. And then make sure the consequences are actually serious. Please seek professional counselling.

At the same time, keep working on yourself. Make an effort to stay in touch with friends and family. You are doing the right thing by standing up for yourself and should continue to assert your right to meet others. Many insecure partners use guilt to get their partner to acquiesce to their demands. See the guilt for what it is: another way to control you, and don’t let it affect your decisions.

 Auntie will not reply privately to any query. Please send concise queries to: auntieagni@gmail.com

Published in Dawn, EOS, February 24th, 2019