Hey Auntie,
I am a 15-year-old girl from Islamabad. My parents are constantly fighting and the arguments are narrowing down to divorce. I have no support and am stuck at home listening to them brawl over custody and distribution of property. I have two older siblings who are old enough to stand on their own two feet. They treat our home like a hotel and only come to sleep at night. I have no support from them as they are rarely home and my parents keep drilling my head with their side of the story and throw themselves a pity party. My grades have hit rock bottom and I feel lonely and depressed. Please help.
Stuck in the Warzone

Dear Stay Strong,
I am sorry that you and your family are going through this stressful time. But you should remember at all times that your parents’ arguments and conflicts are not your fault. These are two adults who are not getting along and are trying to grapple with their differences. The battles are for them to resolve, not you.

During this difficult time, it is all the more important for you to be good to your siblings. By staying out of the home, your siblings are coping with the situation at home in the best way they can. Don’t wait for them to reach out to you just because you are younger. Instead, take the first step and reach out to them. Encourage them to talk to you about how they feel. Be a good listener and support them as much as you can. In return, you will probably be able to talk to them and look to them for support. This is a time to band together and stay closer.

‘My parents are headed towards a divorce’

You can also write down your thoughts and feelings in a diary, journal or on a piece of paper. This will help you to ‘let out’ your emotions. If you are scared that someone will read that, burn the paper or write everything down in your cell phone, and delete your words if the need arises.

As a child of an unhappy marriage, sometimes you end up taking sides depending on which parent you think is in the wrong. However, I would suggest you avoid doing this. Even if you feel that one parent is clearly in the wrong, it is important to remember that there are always atleast two sides to every story. Whoever is the ‘bad guy’ in the situation also has a story in his or her head. Also there are many things that you do not know about your parents’ marriage. Such hidden information may show everything in a completely different light, if it were to come out. Since you don’t know everything, reserve your judgment of who is wrong or right. This is difficult, but try to stay above the conflict as far as you can.

By reserving your judgment, you are essentially reminding yourself that both of them are your parents and you should love them equally and be fair to both. When one parent talks badly about the other to you or your siblings, request them to stop. Be firm about this.

Also, look at the larger picture. Conflicts in marriage and divorce often (but not always) turn ugly. In any case, divorce is almost always very stressful and it is important to remind yourself of this, especially when things seem unbearable. People will say mean and hurtful things when they are stressed. You might do the same. Instead of getting pulled into a conflict, try and remember that this is a stressful time and everyone is on edge, which is why strong words are being thrown around so loosely.

Be candid with your parents when it comes to telling them how you feel. Be truthful about how you are feeling and if you are hurting, do let them know. The truth might hurt, but they they should be told how their actions are affecting you.

Finally, in the long run, this difficult time in your life will help make you stronger. It is not a pleasant way to gain strength, but if you approach this stressful time the right way, it will make you less judgmental and hopefully more understanding of other people’s issues. Over time, you will understand that everyone has challenges that they are dealing with. You will come away from this situation more compassionate.

Auntie will not reply privately to any query. Please send concise queries to: auntieagni@gmail.com

Published in Dawn, EOS, January 20th, 2019