With the advent of the New Year and the bagful of optimism and hope it has lugged into our lives, everyone and their aunt is brimming with confidence to implement changes that will transform not only their lives but the lives of even those who do not wish their lives to be changed. In order to gauge and explore this cheery national mood, Eos spoke to Cliftonia’s preeminent clairvoyant Rebecca de Chandio and asked her what her crystal ball had in store for us in 2019. 

January: This month will set the tone for the entire year, ushering in positive vibes the likes of which Cliftonia has not experienced before. From the north to the south, all gated communities in the republic will be given the status of provinces. This will bring major relief to the residents of these communities as it will allow the impoverished elite to once again receive the funds that had been so mercilessly taken away from it as a result of that blighted 18th Amendment.

February: In the last week of this month, tomatoes will begin to ripen (and redden) at a rapid pace, gladdening the collective hearts and bank accounts of feudal lords all across the country, and allowing them to book their summer holidays on Lake Como well before parvenus afflict the region with their presence. 

What the crystal ball has in store for us in 2019

March: Love will feature prominently in the lives of Cliftonians and the denizens of Beverly Hills 90210 in this month. Zayn Malik will reunite with Perrie Edwards. In a gesture of solidarity with Zayn bhai, Cliftonians all over the world will reunite with their exes. This will lead to a surge of lust followed by a tsunami of blissful divorces.

April: Buoyed by their eternal sense of entitlement, members of the establishment will pass laws, wind and water to boost the republic’s economy and environment. As a result, spring and offshore companies will blossom like a mutha this year.

May: In order to bring equality among all sections of the populace, our glorious leader will pass an ordinance declaring all domestic cats — whether they belong to the affluent or the destitute — be named Stella. This will bring the urbans on the same page as the rurals, as per World Bank requirements.

June: On behalf of the IMF, an important personality from Washington DC is very likely to visit our shores this month; he will be invited to an exclusive meeting with our fearless leader. The visitor will look exactly like Will Smith’s neighbour’s former roommate at Oklahoma State. Financial talks will dissolve into bonhomie and all will be well before you can say ‘can you loan me a tenner, baby doll?’ The lucky number for this month is 12 billion. 

July: Acapulco will replace Aitchisonia-upon-Chenab as the official winter capital of Cliftonia. This decision will result in much merriment among the nomenklatura and their families.

August: This month will see the completion of 250 mega dams (249 located within gated communities) by the grace of the supreme judicials. The next phase of the plan will commence by the end of August when a nationwide call will be given to find water to fill these dams. 

September: A boy genius from the Department of Unapplied Physics at the University of Southern Cliftonia (USC) will invent a special loco-vehicle that will defy physical laws and cut down travel time between Beijing and Aitchisonia-upon-Chenab to 1.5 minutes each way. The Minister of Rail Speed will win a gold star and a ‘Best Boy In My Cabinet’ award from our leader.

October: The entire republic of Cliftonia will take October off for relaxing and chilling out. The government will shut down. It will restart in the second week of November, with the treasury and opposition benches commencing parliamentary proceedings on a positive note by joining hands to give themselves a pay raise.   .

November: Supported by the government, industrialists and corporate groups will band together to launch a new initiative called the Union of Union-busters. Against the idea of workers and their assorted groups coming together on a single platform to voice their concerns and protect their interests, this new organisation (much like the chambers of commerce and industry everywhere) will come together on a single platform to voice its concerns so that it can protect its interests.  

December: The annual ‘Rightwingers of the World Unite’ conference will be held this month, drawing such luminaries as messrs Netanyahu, Duterte, Modi and Trump, among others, to our glorious shores. Readings will be held from the same script to ensure scapegoating remains constant and uniform across boundaries. All NGOs will be declared illegal at the end of the meet, ushering in a new era of transparency, accountability, peace and unbridled national joy.

Farid Alvie was born. He currently lives.
He tweets @faridalvie

Published in Dawn, EOS, January 6th, 2019