Dear Auntie,
There’s someone who is quite interested in me. He has confessed his feelings for me and also proposed marriage to me. I have known him for the past four years. However, there is a little problem. When I met this guy and talked to him, I told him that I was a medical student. After that there was no further discussion about the field I was in. He assumed I was pursuing an MBBS degree. After some time, I came to know about his misconception, but I just went with the flow. I did not clarify that I was, in fact, a physical therapist.

Now things are getting serious as he has proposed to me. I realise that it is wrong to continue with this as things stand, on the basis of false foundations and perceptions. But there is one thing that I am very sure about, which is that if I tell him the truth, he will distance himself from me. Not because I am a physical therapist and not an MBBS doctor, but because I wasn’t honest with him, that I lied to him. I know him enough to know that lying and dishonesty would make him push people away.
Please help me, Auntie. I am in a state of utter confusion and guilt.
Incidental Liar

Dear Regretful,
There are big lies and little lies. We tell small white lies all the time without giving it a second thought. Like when we say we are fine, when someone asks how we are doing and though we have a headache or our nerves are frazzled after an argument. In such cases, often telling the truth is unacceptable. Imagine if you casually asked someone how they were doing and they gave you all the gory details of their health issues.

‘I didn’t tell the truth and now I am regretful’

In this case, however, lying about your profession and that, too, to someone you are considering marrying is a big untruth and has caused a major misunderstanding. If you marry this man, you cannot go through life not letting him know that you are not an MBBS, but a physical therapist. This is why you should simply come clean with the truth.

If you lose this man, it will be difficult. It’s been going on for four years, so getting over it will be tough. It is definitely easier to say, rather than do. At the same time, what you did is very human. And what you need is someone who loves you enough to forgive the lie.

Even though it is not easy, losing people is sometimes okay. It is better to let go of a person who only thinks about how the lie has impacted him or her. Such a person will hardly be of value as a friend or life partner. I am not saying that your friend will be unforgiving, but if he is, it is better to let him go.

Please understand that I am not condoning your lie. What you did was wrong and it will be extremely useful if you do some introspection to understand why you lied. Why did you let it go in ‘the flow’? Did you deliberately perpetuate the lie? Understanding this and taking responsibility for your own role in the misunderstanding will help you become a better person. An apology is definitely in order. Remember that people are more likely to forgive you for lying if you genuinely feel regretful and are not just trying to escape feeling guilty by saying a quick sorry. So apologise. Make sure it is heartfelt and genuine. While I can’t predict what will happen, I wish you best of luck.

Auntie will not reply privately to any query. Please send concise queries to: auntieagni@gmail.com

Published in Dawn, EOS, January 6th, 2019