With the water crisis looming like an invincible spectre over the fortunes of the Republic of Cliftonia and its deodorised denizens, the state — via all three of its sagacious branches — has announced bold new measures to counter any ill effects that climate change, combative and untrustworthy neighbours, and traitorous pseudo-liberals might wreak on our beloved motherland. 

In a press conference held at the University of Southern Aitchisonia (USA) — which has since been converted into the Prime Minister’s House — Dr Samarkand Bokhara, Cliftonia’s newly appointed Minister for Nuclear Philanthropy, told the press corps that the government had hired a multinational team of experts to lead its water storage and management campaign.

“Inspired by the out-of-the-box thinking of our leader, we have assembled a group of experts who have been lauded throughout history for their prowess at storing water and building dams,” said the minister. “On behalf of our government and the powers-that-be, I am delighted to inform you that we have hired the services of 1,000 naturally-bred, furry-eyebrowed and scaly-tailed beavers to build a top-quality dam for our glorious republic. Beavers, as many of you will know, are known as nature’s dam builders so who better than them to lead our dam building initiative! Upon the Prime Minister’s instructions, an eight-year-old beaver named Amster has been flown in especially from the Netherlands to lead our efforts. He will be supported by local beavers Maanglla and Taarbella,” revealed Dr Bokhara. He said that the cabinet was unanimous in backing the decision of the Prime Minister. 

Bold out-of-the-box thinking to meet the looming water crisis

The minister informed the media — except two members who were disinvited from attending the event at the last minute — that no country in the history of the world had ever done what the Republic of Cliftonia had done by undertaking this innovative campaign and that this decision was certain to propel the country into the upper echelons of the world’s technologically-advanced countries.

“The best feature of this glorious executive decision taken by our leader is that it will save the republic 14 billion dollars in pure hard cash, which we will then be able to spend on essential items such as sophisticated laser-guided missiles and large, beautifully landscaped gated communities, both of which will boost the living standards of the needy and the marginalised,” said the minister.

“History has shown us that beavers, fortunately, do not demand cash for building dams. They are perfectly happy to work for food. The federal cabinet did extensive research by spending 15 minutes checking out beavers on Wikipedia and found that these animals were herbivores and ate leaves, twigs, shrubs, grasses, and crops, including corn and beans. By the grace of God, since we are self-sufficient in shrubs, twigs, grasses, as well as in corn and leaves, we will not have to go to the World Bank or the IMF with a begging bowl to finance this mega project. The credit for this achievement goes solely to our leader and his extensive knowledge of beavers,” said the minister.

As you know, these are challenging times for Cliftonia. However, as a nation, we are known for our resilience. The previous administration left us with nothing but a mounting debt and a vituperative political environment.

However, Dr Bokhara admitted that there was a slim but real chance that the government might not be able to sustain the requisite quantity of beans that needs to be provided regularly to the beavers. Therefore, in order to ensure an adequate supply, the prime minister has issued an executive order to immediately set up a special fund — #ThatDamFund — to which all patriotic Cliftonians (those at home as well as those living abroad) are urged to donate as many beans as they possibly can. Bean collection points will be set up outside court rooms and cantonments, in schools and universities, as well as in malls and shopping centres across the country. All junior government officers have involuntarily agreed to donate the equivalent of their two-day bean consumption to the fund. As per the PM’s orders, the fund will accept all kinds of beans, including baked. 

“As you know, these are challenging times for Cliftonia. However, as a nation, we are known for our resilience. The previous administration left us with nothing but a mounting debt and a vituperative political environment. Our administration, on the other hand, has decided to make a concerted effort to chart a new course, one that will adopt creative ways to provide cost-effective remedies to the many environmental, political and, most importantly, scatalogical problems facing the republic. This first-of-its-kind, made-in-Cliftonia solution will shape the way mega projects are executed across the planet,” explained Dr Bokhara. 

The press conference concluded with the minister stating that as soon as the dam is completed, all beavers will be auctioned as part of the PM’s austerity drive. Proceeds from the auction will go towards buying helicopters for the Prime Minister’s Secretariat.

Farid Alvie was born. He currently lives.
He tweets @faridalvie

Published in Dawn, EOS, October 14th, 2018

Opinion

Editorial

Judiciary’s SOS
Updated 28 Mar, 2024

Judiciary’s SOS

The ball is now in CJP Isa’s court, and he will feel pressure to take action.
Data protection
28 Mar, 2024

Data protection

WHAT do we want? Data protection laws. When do we want them? Immediately. Without delay, if we are to prevent ...
Selling humans
28 Mar, 2024

Selling humans

HUMAN traders feed off economic distress; they peddle promises of a better life to the impoverished who, mired in...
New terror wave
Updated 27 Mar, 2024

New terror wave

The time has come for decisive government action against militancy.
Development costs
27 Mar, 2024

Development costs

A HEFTY escalation of 30pc in the cost of ongoing federal development schemes is one of the many decisions where the...
Aitchison controversy
Updated 27 Mar, 2024

Aitchison controversy

It is hoped that higher authorities realise that politics and nepotism have no place in schools.