Dear Apa,
I am really confused. I feel helpless and am very unhappy right now because of my husband’s behaviour.

I want to end my marriage as my husband does not want to put up with me at all. We have two kids and he says he is compromising with me because of them. He is having an affair with a married woman for some time, and says that he has full support of his family. This is a second marriage for both of us. We have lived 14 years of our married life in turmoil. He does not give me the love, respect and appreciation which I deserve. He also believes I am not psychologically stable. Sometimes he mistreats our kids also. I don’t want to seek a new relationship myself, as I realise I have kids and have no support on my side.

Shall I continue things as they are or move on?
Kindly help.
Distressed

Dear Should-I-Stay-Or-Should-I-Go,
As a parent, deciding whether to stay in an unhappy union or leave it is possibly one of the hardest decisions you could make. The problem is that it is incredibly difficult to hide marital conflict from kids. Children always know more about the state of their parents’ marriage than we think they do.

‘My husband does not want to live with me, should I leave him?’

For the sake of your children and for your own sanity, please seek out professional counselling as a real attempt to save your marriage. At the same time, I hope you understand that living in an environment where children witness frequent parental conflict, such as raised voices, insults and aggression can cause more damage to children (and adults) than divorce. In fact, when people say divorce has serious negative effects on children, what actually does most harm are the fights that lead up to the divorce. To make the situation worse, conflict can drain parents so much that they are unable to invest in their children the way they may want to, leading to inconsistent and confused parenting.

Witnessing a high level of conflict between the parents can lead to behavioural problems in children and can impact various areas of their lives, including their own future relationships. All you parents out there need to understand that children are always learning from you. You are a role model for your kids. They learn how to live in this world from what you do and not so much from what you say. When children observe you displaying uncontrolled anger towards the other parent, they learn that uncontrolled anger is the way to resolve conflict.

For the sake of their own future relationships, what children should be witnessing and learning is that, while disagreements are healthy, resolving them through violence or aggression is not. What they need to see is mature people agreeing to disagree, without disturbing the peace of the house.

No one can predict whether staying together is better for your children or not. However, if you do decide to stick it out, please do everything you can to minimise conflict, especially when the kids are present.

I would also like to say something about honouring yourself. The prevalent culture advocates sacrificing endlessly for your children. Problems arise when the sacrifices are at the cost of the parent’s own health and sanity. If you as a parent are not fulfilled yourself, how will you be able to give to your children and continue being supportive and loving? Have you seen mothers who give and give, losing their health and sanity in the process, then end up screaming needlessly at their children? Think about why this happens.

So if you do end this union and the chance for a new relationship comes your way, take it. The more fulfilled you are, the happier your children are likely to be. Think about it, by moving on with someone you love, you will be teaching your children to honour their needs, which is very healthy.

I am not trying to advocate for divorce. I am just laying out the issues in front of you. Whether to divorce or not is a decision only you and your husband can take.

Auntie will not reply privately to any query. Please send concise queries to: auntieagni@gmail.com

Published in Dawn, EOS, July 15th, 2018