A startling, potentially incendiary, discovery that could shake the Republic to its very core has been made by a faculty member of the University of Southern Cliftonia’s Department of Archaeology and Other Useless Ancient Stuff. 

While working on a project deep in the bowels of the galiyaat of Aitchisonia, Dr Cliftonia Ali — who holds an online PhD from the internationally renowned Exact University — came upon the manuscript of an ancient document that contains words, sentences, nay entire paragraphs, that have the potential to wreak havoc in the public domain. Fortunately, like any patriotic academic, Dr Ali’s first reaction upon discovering the rare manuscript was to hand it over to Brigadier (retd) Babar ‘Bobby’ Pasha, the Vice Chancellor of her university.

In an exclusive interview with Eos, Vice Chancellor (not yet retd) Pasha shared his views on the document, along with a few excerpts. 

An ancient and troublesome document from 1973 has been discovered...

“To my trained eye, this looks like one of those useless 10- to 12-page booklets states usually come up with after they are born. I believe lefty-lib types call it a constitution or some such thing. This particular one looks rather old. It’s in an awful condition … tattered, battered and bruised. However, after careful study, I was able to decipher the date of its origin. As I said, it’s ancient … Was written in 1973 and appears to have belonged to some sort of a national assembly. And now, years later (and fortunately for us), hardly anyone of us remembers it. 

“I say fortunately because some of the subversive and inflammatory content contained therein could give the average Joe, or in our case, Jamil, all kinds of wrong ideas about the responsibilities of the state, the rule of law, and most of all, his own worth as a human being. Consider:

Article 3 — Elimination of exploitation

The State shall ensure the elimination of all forms of exploitation and the gradual fulfillment of the fundamental principle, from each according to his ability to each according to his work.

Article 4 — Right of individuals to be dealt with in accordance with law, etc.

(2) In particular:

no action detrimental to the life, liberty, body, reputation or property of any person shall be taken except in accordance with law; no person shall be prevented from or be hindered in doing that which is not prohibited by law; and no person shall be compelled to do that which the law does not require him to do.

Article 9 — Security of person

No person shall be deprived of life or liberty save in accordance with the law.

Article 10 — Safeguards as to arrest and detention

No person who is arrested shall be detained in custody without being informed, as soon as may be, of the grounds for such arrest, nor shall he be denied the right to consult and be defended by a legal practitioner of his choice.

Article 10 A — Safeguards as to arrest and detention

To my trained eye, this looks like one of those useless 10-to 12-page booklets states usually come up with after they are born.

Every person who is arrested and detained in custody shall be produced before a magistrate within a period of 24 hours of such arrest, excluding the time necessary for the journey from the place of arrest to the court of the nearest magistrate, and no such person shall be detained in custody beyond the said period without the authority of a magistrate.

Article 14 — Inviolability of dignity of man, etc

The dignity of man and, subject to law, the privacy of home, shall be inviolable.

No person shall be subjected to torture for the purpose of extracting evidence.

Article 25 — Equality of citizens

All citizens are equal before the law and are entitled to equal protection of law.

Article 32 — Promotion of Local Government institutions

The State shall encourage local government institutions composed of elected representatives of the areas concerned and in such institutions special representation will be given to peasants, workers and women.

Article 36 — Protection of minorities

The State shall safeguard the legitimate rights and interests of minorities, including their due representation in the Federal and Provincial services.

Article 37 — Promotion of social justice and eradication of social evils

The State shall:

(i) decentralise the government administration so as to facilitate expeditious disposal of its business to meet the convenience and requirements of the public.

Bobby continued: “Now just imagine: what if these so-called ‘articles’ were translated in all our regional languages and started appearing on T-shirts and bumper stickers and on trucks and rickshaws? What if some seditious ‘red’, like that pseudo Chavez of Venezuela, started pasting these on the back of food packets sold in every village, town, city and province? And what if schools in hamlets and katchi abadis started teaching these to our innocent little children? Imagine that!” said an incensed VC.

Farid Alvie was born. He currently lives.
He tweets @faridalvie

Published in Dawn, EOS, April 15th, 2018

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