Aitchisonia-upon-Chenab, Sunday March 18:

In a press conference, the likes of which Cliftonia has never witnessed before, national icon and hope Nazir Jr. once again demonstrated why he is unique among the republic’s politicians. Speaking to a packed conference room at the Aitchisonia Press Club yesterday, Chairman Nazir Jr. stated that he had called this special press conference to convey to members of the media that, for once, he had nothing to say. 

“When I woke up this morning, I switched on Speak TV and saw myself haranguing a jalsa,” said the Chairman. “That clip was soon followed by a news report on yesterday’s press conference wherein I had harangued those present for a good hour and 25 minutes. Many of you know what I mean as you were there. The report ended with my address at the Cliftonia Bar, Council, where I harangued the best legal minds of the country until their ears bled. 

Everything is normal, harangue is back

“On my way home last night, I felt as if something wasn’t right … my throat felt dry, my legs felt numb and I broke out in a cold sweat every time my secretary uttered the words ‘internal party elections’. But as the most emotionally-gifted politician alive, I quickly surmised what this surreal feeling signified. I realised I had run out of harangue,” he explained.

“It was then that I decided that this morning’s press conference was going to be about nothing … nothing at all! This conference room will, for the next one hour, be a harangue-free zone. Until my harangue returns, we will talk of matters that do not get my knickers in a twist,” said Cliftonia’s most popular leader.

Seeing the bewildered expression on the faces of journalists, Chairman Nazir Jr. said that there was no need for all those present to feel confused as he had realised that there was also great merit in shooting the breeze with individuals one vehemently detested. “Usually, it’s my harangue that says nothing,” he said. “Today, it will be my pleasant gibberish that will convey absolutely nothing.”

In response to a query from M. Liber-Ali, the Editor of The Daily Zamzama, the Chairman said that it was true that most Cliftonian politicians were blessed with harangue but until his appearance on the political scene, nobody had exhibited such phenomenal levels of harangue. “The quality I most admire in myself is my utter humility. I am the most humble man you are ever likely to meet. So when I say I harangue like a mutha, I truly mean it. Haranguing is like my second skin,” he clarified.

“But let me assure you, I am not some one-dimensional, cycloptic freak who is only able to see the world through a single intellectual lens. No, sir! I am far more than that. For instance, how many of you know that I am a great believer in meditation? This is what grounds me and makes me see beyond the obvious in people who profess to be liberal in their thinking. Many successful fellow world leaders, such as Messrs Modi, Trump, Putin, Netanyahu and Duterte have tried it and, as a consequence, are brimming with the truth. I urge you all to try it too.

In response to a query from M. Liber-Ali, the Editor of The Daily Zamzama, the Chairman said that it was true that most Cliftonian politicians were blessed with harangue but until his appearance on the political scene, nobody had exhibited such phenomenal levels of harangue.

“There is so much the world doesn’t know about me. Did you know that I have been indulging my passion for haikus for longer than I can remember? When I first heard of the genre a fortnight ago, who would’ve thought that I would stick with this sort of poetry for so long?” he said.

Chairman Nazir Jr. also shared his latest haiku with the audience:

“Halal and harangue,

Who knows which path I will walk on?

I know for only I know best!”

The poem was met with resounding applause from all the media folk present except for M. Liber-Ali, who said that what was recited was not a haiku as it did not follow the basic rules of the genre. The criticism seemed to upset Chairman Nazir Jr. who expressed his displeasure in no uncertain terms.

“Do you even know what a haiku is?” demanded the Chairman. “Have you ever been to Japan? Do you know anything about how Japanese democracy works? Do you think your sort of corrupt pseudo-journos are tolerated in Japan? Do you even own a bullet-proof Japanese SUV? 

“I know Japan, OK!  I know Japan because unlike you, I have four 75-inch Sony TVs in my modest 40-acre hacienda! I know how haikus work! Don’t try and teach me!” roared the Chairman as he kicked back his chair and stormed out of the press conference in a huff. 

The press conference concluded as the assembled journalists breathed a sigh of relief. Normalcy had returned: the harangue was back.

Farid Alvie was born. He currently lives.
He tweets @faridalvie

Published in Dawn, EOS, March 18th, 2018