Dear Apa
Five years ago we had our third child who could not survive as she was born premature. After her death, my husband started having an affair with a married woman asking her to give him a child. My family was enraged and I was in deep shock. But nothing changed after that. I have no relationship and no communication with my husband now. He doesn’t want to spend time with me, but we are living together because of our other two kids.

Now I am unable to cope with the estranged relationship. Please tell me if I should talk to my husband or keep silent and let it flow as they say time heals everything?
Frustrated

Dear Try-Again,
Both of you need to go see a marriage counsellor as soon as you can. The loss of a child is a big life event and can put a huge strain on a marriage. Your marriage is in a bad way and some days things may seem unbearable; however, this is not unexpected or abnormal, given what the two of you have been through.

Husbands and wives see the loss of a child from different perspectives. For instance, (and I am not saying this is exactly what happened in your marriage) after your baby died, your husband may have tried to be strong and move on, while you probably felt emotional and moody. In such a scenario the woman can end up thinking the husband isn’t sad about losing the child while the husband may think his efforts to move on from the situation are in vain, this can isolate the couple. You were probably very hormonal when all this happened. It is also quite common for people to go off on crazy tangents when life deals them a double whammy.

Both of you will probably continue to have your own view of the death of your child. It is okay to fight and feel the helplessness and fear but it is also time to focus on your two children and yourself and work on improving your life as it is now.   Dear Auntie,
I am a 20-year-old boy who fell in love with a girl who was already engaged. We both loved each other very much, but since these types of affairs are strictly prohibited in our society, we didn’t discuss it with our families. Now she is married. My life is ruined and I have badly failed in my studies and cannot focus on books. I even hate my life and sometimes think about suicide. Please help me.
Suicidal

Dear Jilted,
Tell a sibling, relative or friend whenever you feel suicidal and please seek professional help to cope with these feelings. Getting dumped can deal a huge blow to your self-esteem. Life comes to a standstill, dreams evaporate and you are left standing at a crossroads. It sucks. It feels like the end of the road, but it really isn’t.  

You are still alive. Blinking, breathing, getting through your day. Most days may feel blah, but I promise you it will get better and it is absolutely worth dragging yourself through the muck to reach your happy spot.

Now for some reality checks. Yes, we do live in a conservative society, but the number of people having relationships before they get married is not as big a taboo as it was a few decades ago. Don’t hide behind that to explain what happened. Fact is, the girl chickened out and perhaps did not love you enough to even try and make marriage happen.

If there is one life lesson you can learn from this, it should be this: all of us are always making choices. You can choose to start afresh, turn over a new leaf, call a few friends, drag yourself out of your room and go get yourself a life and some professional help. It is really all in your hands.

Auntie will not reply privately to any query. Please send concise queries to: auntieagni@gmail.com

Published in Dawn, EOS, January 21st, 2018

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