With the 2018 elections not too far away, a host of new political parties are being launched across Cliftonia. Traditional power centres are re-assessing alignments and forging new bonds in their bid to alleviate the suffering of the tired, the poors and the huddled whatchamacallits. 

Amidst all this political commotion, a new party — nay movement — has arisen that promises to offer real hope to the average, ordinary, dual-passport holding member of the republic’s multibillionaire middle class. Christened the Cliftonia People’s Movement League (CPML), the party’s leadership comprises disenchanted stalwarts of the status quo who believe that the real Che Guevara was a right-wing conservative (just like them) and that it is incumbent upon them to honour his memory by ‘revoluting’ against the system.

Since its inception, the party has attracted supporters from every strata of the multibillionaire middle class and has become the most hashtagged political force on Twitter. Speaking to Eos, the party’s founding father and democratically-elected chairman-for-life, national icon and hope Nazir Jr., said: “The masses are yearning for a change and we are like a breath of fresh air … if you don’t believe me, just smell us to feel the difference! Our slogan is: Out with the old pong, in with the new! #GoPongGo!

“My kitchen cabinet and I have spent weeks upon weeks meticulously watching every episode of House of Cards. This research has helped us draft the single-most honest, transparent and concise manifesto ever offered by a political party. We have laid bare the essentials, along with our status-quo-free souls, for our constituents to judge for themselves,” he said.

Eos has been granted exclusive access to the party’s 2018 election manifesto. Excerpts follow:

CPML — Making Cliftonia New Again!

Preamble

As its name indicates, the Cliftonia People’s Movement League (CPML) was founded as a dynamic movement to abolish the status quo by stalwarts of the status quo committed to preserving their status quo. 

Our beliefs

We believe that nothing short of a revolution will achieve our aims.

We are committed to sacrificing everything, including all of you, for the sake of our goals.

Che Guevara is our truth.

Che Guevara is our idol.

We are all Che!

Our Vision and Mission

Nothing is more important to us than the defence of the realm. The CPML is deeply committed to ensuring that all matters related to defence and security are handled solely by the supremely uniformed defenders of our glorious republic.

Keeping this in mind, CPML pledges to have nothing to do with the following ‘sensitive’ areas when in power:

Defence; Foreign affairs; Economy;

Judicial and non-judicial accountability —national, organisational, private and very personal;

Science and technology; Industry and commerce; 

Transport — roads, highways, ports (air, sea); Computers, communication and media (social and anti-social);

Real estate — gated communities, rural lands, gated communities on rural lands;

Sports and recreation; Malls and shaadi halls;

Corn flakes; Fertilisers; Blockbuster movies

** The above is an open-ended list. As a patriotic party, CPML is proud to give up its right to tinker with the list in deference to national security concerns.

Our Commitment!

Within the first 90 days of our tenure, CPML is committed to delivering on the following issues which we genuinely believe are crucial to improving the lives of the poors of our land. 

We promise to:

Ban the font Calibri once and for all.

Permanently outlaw all forms of bigotry, racism and hatred against the majority, which is the real minority of our glorious land.

Allow minorities to draw breath as long as it does not inconvenience the majority.

Declare fuchsia to be the national colour.

Install U-Turns at all major roads, starting with: Constitution Avenue, Suspended Constitution Avenue, Amended Constitution Avenue, Abrogated Constitution Avenue, and Constitution-held-in-Abeyance Avenue. A special U-turn will also be installed in front of the Supreme Court, reserved for members of political parties attending court proceedings.

Ensure that all boys born in the republic after the 2018 elections are named Master Shehzad Noor. No exceptions will be tolerated.

Ensure that all aspiring politicians, anchorpersons, and political analysts have not been exposed to any kind of education even remotely related to political science, political philosophy, international relations, and history.

Appoint Kevin Spacey as Cliftonia’s Ambassador-at-Large.

Double-coat the national conscience with teflon.

Replace old math with new jalsa math (wherein 1 jalsa attendee = 6,780 jalsa attendees).

Ensure that all bonus-earning executives of multinationals are never asked whether their corporate employers have ever been fined for breaking the law and indulging in corrupt practices such as bribery, money laundering, poisoning the environment, insider trading, tax-evasion, child/bonded labour, etc.

Ban all literary festivals and book fairs before our children get addicted to books.

Farid Alvie was born. He currently lives.
He tweets @faridalvie

Published in Dawn, EOS, October 29th, 2017