He is known throughout the republic for tackling tough issues in his inimitably bold style; issues that would leave lesser mortals dazed. But then for many of his patriotic admirers placed well beyond the nation’s tax net, General GHQ is anything but a mere mortal. He is a difficult man to pin down and rarely grants more than a dozen interviews a day. However, he recently made an exception for Speak! TV’s Dr Orya Masood Peerzada. 

Eos was granted exclusive access to the interview transcript:

Dr Orya Masood Peerzada: Let me begin by conveying my utmost gratitude to you for granting us six minutes of your precious time. I appreciate how busy you are as a global leader.

Only the most intrepid journalists of great credibility are granted interviews with General GHQ

Gen GHQ: Not at all, Dr Sahib. It’s the least I could do for a TV channel that was my brainchild. Although I must confess, I am a little apprehensive when facing you, considering your reputation as one of the nation’s most independent, courageous and intellectually rigorous journalists … someone who never shies from speaking truth to power.

OMP: Sir, only a true journalist with a medical degree can know of the many ways in which pain can be inflicted without leaving a bruise on the body, so your words are but soothing balm for anchorpersons such as me. It is an honour to be in your presence. If I may be allowed to begin at the beginning: You are known as a fearless leader of men, one who always places Cliftonia first. Were you always thus inclined?

Gen GHQ: According to my mother, I was a born leader. In the beginning, I was a leader of children in my Montessori; then as I grew up, I became renowned throughout my neighbourhood as a leader of teens. Finally, after I grew out of adolescence (physiologically and not intellectually, of course) and joined the academy, I became a leader of men. Soon thereafter, I also came into my own as a leader of women but I feel that somehow, within that demographic, I was not accepted as much as I think I deserved to be. But then, I am often told by my subordinates that most people cannot match my intellectual prowess and that is why it is difficult for people to follow me as they should.

OMP: Indeed, sir. You are known not to suffer fools gladly. Who do you believe are the biggest fools that we, as a nation, must not suffer gladly or otherwise?

Gen GHQ: You see, one must not only know how to identify fools but also posses the wherewithal to deal with them. When I look around now, I see a wide variety of fools that need to be brought in line, starting with these pseudo-liberal-traitor-types who are the main cause of fitna everywhere. 

I am deeply influenced by our region’s great Sufi heritage which stresses selflessness, kindness and justice. After years of study, I have developed my own unique way of interpreting that heritage … my own compassionate style of dealing with these obnoxious pseudo-libido-journos. For instance, now I usually have them flogged and jailed rather than … eliminated, shall we say. In our neighbouring Pakistan, liberal extremists like Faiz, Faraz and Jalib had caused havoc with their seditious nonsense. Like us, the authorities there, too, handled those so-called poets with compassion by kicking them out of the country or throwing them into solitary confinement. I am glad to inform you that just like us, the powers-that-be in Pakistan also believe that injustice must not only be done but be seen to be done. 

I must confess, I’ve never had such a hard-hitting interview. The ferocity of your questions was unrelenting. You and your channel are a credit to journalism. Kudos!

It pains me to say that our odious, fake Cliftonian intellectuals are still greatly influenced by those Pakistani militants. Such people really get under my second skin!

OMP: I can understand how difficult it must be for you not to raise your finger against such a traitorous lot.

Gen GHQ: Indeed! I truly want to give them the finger … but alas! I’m prevented by the constitution which, to be honest, is nothing but a 10-12 page booklet that I can trash whenever I want. But my genuine liberal self prevents me from being anything but a benevolent, moderately enlightened autocrat. I sincerely believe that in my next stint as a facilitator of real democracy, I will do away with nonsensical corporate designations and instead adopt something far more humble, such as: ‘His Dictatorial Majesty, Khaadim-i-Cliftonia’. 

OMP: That is a brilliant idea. You can count on our support. I see that my six minutes are up. I would like to thank you for granting us this privilege, sir. 

Gen GHQ: You’re welcome. I must confess, I’ve never had such a hard-hitting interview. The ferocity of your questions was unrelenting. You and your channel are a credit to journalism. Kudos!

Farid Alvie was born. He currently lives.
He tweets @faridalvie

Published in Dawn, EOS, October 1st, 2017