Assalam-o-alaikum Auntie,
I am a 21-year-old university student. When I was in school, approximately five years ago, I was very close to a classmate of mine. However, after school we haven’t been in touch for four years. During these four years I realised I had developed feelings for him.

In April this year, I contacted him through social media and told him all about my feelings for him. He told me that after school he looked for me a lot but as I did not have a social media account he could not locate me. He had also asked my friends for my phone number which they refused to give.

He also likes me but he is in a relationship with another girl now. However, he says that their relationship is not yet ‘confirmed’ and he considers me as the second choice.

‘I have strong emotions for my old classfellow but he is involved elsewhere’

 I cannot even imagine life without him. I have strong feelings for him and I’m finding it hard to move on or study. What should I do?
Heartbroken

Dear Earnest,
It is only when we learn to love and respect ourselves that we can find real love from another person. A man who considers you his second choice can like you but he does not love you — at least not yet (and perhaps he never will).

To be honest, your genuine feelings are lost on him. While I appreciate that the man has told you that you are not his priority, you are obsessing over him while he slots you in at number two. Now imagine life with a man like this — a life in which you are always competing with the people and activities that he prioritises. Imagine living with someone who you know actually preferred someone else.

Hard as it may seem to do so, you need to pull away from this man. You also need to stop declaring your love for him. Pull away. Cultivate a life apart from him doing what you love to do or by finding another interest or another group of people to hang out with.

To be honest, your genuine feelings are lost on him. While I appreciate that the man has told you that you are not his priority, you are obsessing over him while he slots you in at number two. Now imagine life with a man like this — a life in which you are always competing with the people and activities that he prioritises. Imagine living with someone who you know actually preferred someone else.

Auntie knows it is difficult to stop thinking about this man, but you have to consciously find ways to distract yourself and think about what you want to do with your own life without wondering about whether you will end up with him or not. Give yourself time and prioritise yourself. It is difficult, but it can be done.

Auntie will not reply privately to any query. Please send concise queries to: auntieagni@gmail.com

Published in Dawn, EOS, August 20th, 2017