July 10 was a historic day for Pakistan. In an unprecedented turn of events, a week-long poultry training programme was started by the Poultry Research Institute in Rawalpindi. Oh and the Joint Investigation Team (JIT) came out with its 10 volume report. “We’ve noticed many discrepancies between the joints being rolled in Karachi, Lahore, and Peshawar,” a spokesperson for the JIT said.

The report found that the Sharif family held assets beyond their means of income, like their 189 seats in the National Assembly. It also found no proof of a money trail, other than Nawaz’s shopping receipts from Mayfair, and declared that the documents attempting to prove the money trail, much like Nawaz’s hair, were forged.

Maryam Nawaz, however, rejected the JIT report for not being typed in Calibri and being full of lies and fabrications.

The JIT report is out. It’s got something for everybody.

“Yes it is full of lies,” agreed the JIT spokesperson. “Theirs.”

“Look, the Calibri font was invented by my grandfather before Bhutto took it away in the 70s, but Uncle Zia gave it back to us,” continued Maryam.

Earlier in the week Maryam had visited the JIT with 40 armed Mehrams. “They took our ballpoints and told us we weren’t allowed to talk about money,” complained one JIT member. Maryam meanwhile boasted how, “The JIT couldn’t answer my questions.” The investigation team was said to be particularly stumped when she asked them, “Batayen aik minute mein kitne ghantay hote hain.”

In her press conference she also said how pleased she was about her son’s graduation from his university in England and how it was a credit to all Pakistanis who had, after all, paid his tuition fees. She also touched upon going on an Umrah with her father because they figured this might be their last one on tax payers’ money. “On the flight there I asked my father if he was going to pray for a favourable decision from the JIT, but he said it’s better if we pay for a favourable decision instead,” she went on.

When asked if he was concerned about her well being in all of this she said, “I told him not to worry about me, I am your daughter, so I’ll be on the first flight to Jeddah after the JIT decision too.”

Nawaz Sharif also talked to the press before the report became public. He said the JIT was an international conspiracy against the atom bomb, the motorway, the Metro Bus and CPEC. “Everyone is after me, the CIA, RAW, Captain Safdar,” he continued.

After the report came out, a rather embarrassed looking Shahbaz Sharif admitted that “Our biggest mistake was claiming that we let Tariq Shafi handle 12 million dirhams.” To the accusation that Hassan and Hussain Nawaz gave conflicting responses to the JIT’s questions, he said, “To be fair the boys only had a few days to memorise them.”

Our biggest mistake was claiming that we let Tariq Shafi handle 12 million dirhams.” To the accusation that Hassan and Hussain Nawaz gave conflicting responses to the JIT’s questions, he said, “To be fair the boys only had a few days to memorise them.”

Hussain Nawaz himself opted to stay positive, “I’ve lost so much weight since I went on this JIT diet.” He told journalists outside Adiala Jail, where he was checking out accommodations. “I just want to know, who leaked my picture while I was trying hard to remember my testimony.”

The PML-N’s major political rival, Imran Khan, meanwhile, was beside himself in joy. “So, they’re not so Sharif after all,” he said as he handed out mithai to passers-by outside his house in Bani Gala. “The lions are more like cats now.”

Khawaja Saad Rafique, however, was on television the same evening telling anyone who’d listen that “This JIT report reads like it was written by Imran Khan himself.” He said they would appeal the report and fight it on every legal turf, “We’ll start a train from Raiwind to the Supreme Court if we have to.”

“The report has so many typos it was undoubtedly written well before Spell Check was introduced, so how can it be authentic?” he continued.

In the aftermath of the Panama trial, SECP Chairman Zafar Hijazi is also facing a court case and denotification. Zafar is the son or nephew of religious fiction writer Naseem Hijazi, but that is not the crime he’s being investigated for.

The prime minister was unavailable for comment in the last two days, but according to sources he can be found huddled in his bedroom mumbling something about atom bombs, motorways, Metro Buses and CPEC.

Published in Dawn, EOS, July 16th, 2017